Why I Hate Almost Everyone (Part 25): Lurkers and Hoverers

These people drive me up the wall and across the ceiling!

The ones who hover around or lurk somewhere near you.

They are silent, sneaky and they make me crazy.

People who walk up behind you at the computer and then start looking at what you are doing, pretending that if it is on your monitor, then obviously it is open to the public.

And it doesn’t matter if you are reading the news or composing a personal email. Everything is open season for the hoverers and lurkers.

They can’t be that oblivious. I refuse to believe they have no concept that what they are doing is an invasion of privacy.

And it’s just creepy!

It’s not exactly stalker behaviour. They don’t concentrate their lurking and hovering to one person – they are more ‘free range.’ But it sure feels like it sometimes.

It’s weird. Stop it. Now!

Why I Hate Almost Everyone (Part 22): Telltale Signs

I’ve had some people ask if there were any telltale signs that tend to tip me off that a person or group of persons would be added to the ever-widening “Why I Hate Almost Everyone” list.

Here is a brief inventory of some clues that would indicate that you’re a likely candidate for addition to The List…

• If you’ve ever cleaned your ears with car/truck keys;

• If you’ve ever grinned or giggled during your bail hearing;

• If you’ve ever said, “I eat lawyers for breakfast!”;

• If you’ve ever said, “I can buy and sell you!”;

• If you’ve ever humiliated, insulted or abused your girlfriend/wife in public; [1]

• If you’ve ever sent food back at a restaurant not because there was anything wrong with it but because you thought it would make you look like a discriminating gourmand;

• If you put up an impassioned defence of Honey Boo Boo and, when it doesn’t work, accuse the other person of being a snob;

• If you say you hate Barry Manilow because you think it is expected of you or you feel too embarrassed to tell the truth;

• If you criticize books or movies on religious grounds without having read or seen them;

• If you paint all liberals or conservatives with the same brush or if you automatically discount anything someone says merely because they are either liberal or conservative;

• If you feel election years give you carte blanche to act like a total fucknugget. [2]

• If you use the expression ‘carte blanche’ without actually knowing what a ‘carte blanche’ was;

• If you pronounce bagel “baggle”;

• If you feel natural disasters are caused by homosexuality;

This is what I could come up with off the top of my head this morning.

I have a feeling I will be adding to this list.

As the Ghost of Jacob Marley said, “It is a ponderous chain!”

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[1] This is not to say I don’t also hate those who abuse women in private. But there’s a special seat in Hell reserved for those guys who do this in public. They’ve forfeited their right to be treated like human beings.

[2] I heard Lt. Debra Morgan (Jennifer Carpenter) blurt out this delightful expression the other night on Dexter. It is my word of the week!

A Welcome Goodbye!

I hate summer. I really do.

The heat, the humidity. Never ever EVER being comfortable!

It’s sticky and gross.

I hate sunlight. I literally don’t like the feel of it on my skin.

And so, it is with gladness in my heart and a spring in my step that I bid a fond farewell to this particularly awful time of year.

Bring on the cool days and the cold nights.

(Photo by Daniel Řeřicha)

Bring on the colours.

Bring on autumn!!

Why I Hate Almost Everyone (Part 19): Graveyard Vandals

My dearly departed dad’s grave was desecrated years ago by some teenage hammerheads who probably had too much to drink and thought it would be cool to knock the statue of the Virgin Mary off the top of a tombstone.

That’s my guess, anyway. No one ever found out who did it.

In my mind, there is a very special seat in Hell for those who desecrate graves. [1]

Words simply cannot express the feelings of revulsion and impotent rage I experience when I see images of vandalized cemeteries.

It is an attack on all right-thinking members of society. It is an attack on common decency.

It is the ultimate act of cowardice.

I hate you. I detest you. I despise you. I loathe you.

As Queen Elizabeth the First of England once said, “G-d may forgive you… but I never can!”

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[1] As an observant Jew, I do not believe in Hell in the Christian or Muslim sense of Eternal Damnation with no hope of repentance after death. The Jewish concept of punishment for sinners in the afterlife is more like the Catholic concept of ‘Purgatory.’ BUT… if there is a Hell, I am sure there are special seats reserved for guys who beat up prostitutes, men who rape children…  and cemetery desecrators.

Why I Hate Almost Everyone (Part 18): Clowns

Coulrophobia is the fear of clowns.

Please note that I did not say it was the irrational fear of clowns.

Nothing could be more rational than being afraid of a guy in floppy shoes, fright wig, garish make-up and a red nose.

It is not unlike my fear of bad Irish drag queens. Perfectly reasonable.

I don’t know who first came up with the idea of clowns. I’m sure it was the result of some drunken Graeco-Roman stage gag gone horribly out of control.

It is interesting to note that I don’t have a fear of mimes. I harbour a deep-seated loathing for them, of course. Who doesn’t? But not fear.

I’m also not afraid of the old commedia dell’arte clowns. I do not lie awake at night knowing that Pulchinello or Arlecchino is hiding under my bed just waiting to get up to no good.

Nor am I afraid of Shakespearean clowns… other than the not-unreasonable fear that they might bore me to death.

(Bring on the waterworks!)

Nor do I fear the heart-broken clown in Leoncavallo’s I Pagliacci, although I am embarrassed at the fact that I cry every effen time I hear him sing “Vesti la Giubba.”

Truly, I do. It’s sad yet pathetic. Can’t stop the waterworks. Really.

(Hello, kids!)

Nope… the source of my greatest nightmare is the 19th and early 20th century Barnum & Bailey style ‘modern’ circus clown.

(The Circus Clown, movie poster – 1934)

Scares the crap out of me.

(Is that a coffin on that chair??)

I get the sinking feeling that the moment I turn my back, the psychotic sociopath who is masquerading (literally) as a clown reveals his true self, thrusting a knife into my neck.

So parents, for the love of all that is good and decent, don’t inflict clowns on your kids. Don’t take them to the circus thinking they’ll have a blast as they watch an ever increasing hoard of serial killers come out of a tiny clown car.

All you are doing is guaranteeing them years on some psychiatrist’s couch, blaming you for why they break into a cold sweat whenever they see Ronald McDonald.

Why I Hate Almost Everyone (Part 17): Marathons

While technically, ‘marathons’ would normally not be included in a list of people I hate, I am going to have to make an exception in this case.

Running marathons, bike marathons and all the other stupid thingathons would not occur if it wasn’t for those people out there who are eager to participate in marathons, curse their sweaty, spandex-encased little hearts.

(GET AWAY FROM MY NEIGHBOURHOOD, DAMMIT!!)

It is common (albeit not publicly expressed) knowledge that any kind of marathon that disrupts or interferes with traffic or even one’s ability to cross an intersection without having to wait for a hundred well-meaning yet horribly annoying people, bothers right-thinking members of society.

Today was an excellent example. There I was, minding my own business and deliberately taking a country drive in order to avoid traffic and crowds. No sooner did I arrive in town than I (and a dozen other drivers, including a couple of motorcyclists with whom I would not want to mess) were held at bay by a local regional police officer (no doubt cursing under his breath). It was in the one of the warmest days of the year so far.

What was the hold-up? It could have been an accident. It could have been some other emergency that legitimately and understandably kept us stranded at that intersection.

(I’ve been waiting 10 minutes to cross the street. GO AWAY!!)

But noooooo!! It was hundreds of stupid bike marathoners!!

One even had the nerve to smile and wave at me. Wave at me? You think I’m happy that I’m sitting here in the heat while you glide on by, you twerp? If there wasn’t an armed member of the local constabulary standing nearby, you’d be a hood-ornament on my car!

Listen. If people want to run around for miles and miles, bless them. If people want to peddle around for miles and miles, let them.

Just get them away from people who have things to do!!

(Now THAT’S more like it! Text me if you make it, ok?)

Stop the madness!

Or at least move the entire shindig out to where it can’t be an inconvenience to pedestrians and traffic.

Why I Hate Almost Everyone (Part 16): Traitors

Of all the things a close friend or loved one can do to you, betrayal is one of the worst.

It is the element of breach of trust that cuts deeper than the knife in the back. As the saying goes, “Backstabbers are only powerful when your back is turned.” Why was your back turned? Because you trusted the traitor.

(Brutus about to slay Julius Caesar… the quintessential backstabber)

On a national level, treason is perhaps the worst crime there is. The traitor is betraying the entire country and putting it at risk.

On a personal level, a traitorous friend can destroy your faith in people… or at least in that person. You can become mistrustful of others and be tempted to close yourself off from friends and family.

In addition to whatever actual damage the betrayal costs you physically, psychologically, emotionally, financially, etc. the blow to your spirit can be devastating.

Traitors and backstabbers don’t just affect the people whom they betray… they bring down society as a whole. We want to be truthful, honest and open. We want to be able to trust others. And when a betrayal becomes known, it’s almost as if, even temporarily, a tiny crack forms in what we feel society should be.

We hate them, and rightfully so, because traitors and backstabbers are loathsome creatures whose actions not only hurt the victim or victims of their betrayal… but make our world a bit worse off.

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Special thanks to author and screenwriter Michael Plumides. Some of his experiences as a ‘backstabee’ during his years in college radio provided the inspiration for this piece. Thanks, Mike!

Kill the Music: The chronicle of a college radio idealist’s rock and roll rebellion in an era of intrusive morality and censorship

Why I Hate Almost Everyone (Part 15): Those Drunk with Power

There are certain types of persons who, given any amount of influence, command or authority, become drunk with power.

They get tipsy on tyranny. Pissed on prestige. Soused with strength. Potted on privilege. Muddled with mastery. Smashed on supremacy.

And I am not necessarily talking about those who actually wield supreme executive power. You don’t have to be a tyrant or despot to get loaded on leadership (ok, that was the last one, I promise).

In fact, if anything, there seems to be an inverse relationship betweem the rank of the person and the degree of power or amount of the authority granted… and the corresponding reaction thereto.

In other words, the smaller the person and the more mediocre the rise in power… the more likely it is that said person will behave like some banana republic dictator thereafter.

(‘One Bullet’ Barney)

Picture Barney Fife being made ‘acting Sheriff’ for a week while Andy is away. You get the picture.

While this phenomenon can happen almost anywhere, it often happens in an office setting. A person is given a promotion with the responsibility to supervise and manage his former colleagues. Most people, I am happy to say, perform their new jobs well and are very admirable in the fact that they do not turn into Josef Stalin.

However… every once in a while, someone gets promoted and we discover to our mutual horror that burning within that small, dark heart is a desire to exploit his new-found power and lord it over his former peers.

(Help! I’m being oppressed!)

He sneers at and denigrates those who are now ‘under him.’ He suddenly is too busy to have lunch with his now former friends. He begins to mistreat them, using his position to exact punishment for perceived wrongs done to him in the past, or worse, just for the sick thrill of it.

Just to be clear, I am not talking about someone who has risen to the level of his incompetence, as per The Peter Principle. [1] Someone who is merely incompetent is not, by definition, a cruel overlord. Far from it. Such a person is often a pitiful creature that evokes pathos not hatred.

The person who becomes a bad boss upon being granted power already had dormant within him or her the seeds of evil. It took the granting of authority to water that seed and make it bloom into the vile, carnivorous plant now occupying the manager’s office down the hall.

Underlings feel powerless. They submit to the ill-treatment because they feel there is nothing to do other than leave. And for many, that is simply not an option. They need the job… so will put up with being mistreated because they feel that have to. Some may try to undermine the newly-minted superior and thwart his every plan. Those with connections with upper management may try to crush him from above. Some may try to ‘manage upward’ to limit the danger posed to them (see footnote below). But for the majority of underlings, they look upon their former friend, former colleague, former co-worker and peer with an impotent loathing.

But what of the new bureaucratic oligarch himself? Unlike ‘normal, decent’ management types, he uses his power (or what little influence and authority he now has) as a weapon of oppression, not as a tool to further the interests and ultimately help bring about the success of the enterprise. Part of it could be mere self-aggrandizement, demeaning and snubbing others to make himself feel (or look to others) important as befitting (in his eyes) his new station. But part of it could be something more sinister… a kind of workplace sadism, on a certain level. To that person, inflicting pain is not merely a means to an end… i.e. making others respect his authority; it is an end in and of itself.

Such a person is deserving of the deepest loathing.

We can only hope that their tenure is short-lived. As with the Barney Fife analogy, we all know that Sheriff Andy will be back next week so we try the best to stick it out until Monday.

Until then, those drunk with power earn our contempt… and hatred.

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[1] The Peter Principle: “In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.” In other words,  employees tend to be promoted until they reach a position in which they cannot work competently.  The principle holds that in a hierarchy, members are promoted so long as they work competently. Eventually they are promoted to a position at which they are no longer competent (their “level of incompetence”), and there they remain, being unable to earn further promotions. Peter’s Corollary states that “in time, every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out their duties” and adds that “work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.” “Managing upward” is the concept of a subordinate finding ways to subtly “manage” superiors in order to limit the damage that they end up doing. It was formulated by Dr. Laurence J. Peter and Raymond Hull in their 1969 book The Peter Principle, a humorous treatise, which also introduced the “salutary science of hierarchiology.”

Why I Hate Almost Everyone (Part 14): The Humourless

I like to think of myself as a rational, even-minded person, I really do.

However, every once in a while (and far more often than necessary), I run into certain types of people who drive me to distraction… to the point where I hate them and, as a result, almost everyone.

The ‘jerks du jour’ I’d like to discuss are the humourless.

People with NO sense of humour. They don’t laugh. They don’t smile. They take everything seriously. Nothing is funny to them. Even when they know something is meant as a joke, they take an almost perverse pleasure in pretending it was said seriously. They meet every punchline with a blank stare, every rim-shot with a derisive sneer.

(Professor Severus Snape – Patron Saint of the Humourless)

When presented with the type of person who wears frivolity like an impenetrable shield, they shake their heads mournfully.

They sap the fun and pleasure out of life.

Not content with being humourless themselves, their mission is to drain the cheerfulness from everyone around them. When they walk into a room, you can almost feel the energy waning. People hang their heads and sigh or groan.

I have no idea why humourless people are the way they are and, frankly, I could not care less.

Someone near and dear to me married a humourless person. When I met the spouse-to-be, I was immediately struck by the fact that the person never smiled, let alone laughed. What kind of person never cracks a smile? The marriage did not last. No one was the least bit surprised.

Humourlessness is, to my way of thinking, a sign of an unhealthy mind and a sick spirit.

Deep inside, I know that this type of person is more to be pitied than censured… but I can’t help it.

I do not feel compassion for them. I do not sympathize with their predicament. My heart does not bleed for them. I do not say to myself, “There, but for the grace of G-d, go I.”

I just hate them.

Thinking about them makes my hair hurt.

Why I Hate Almost Everyone (Part 13): Anti-Semites

I guess I’m lucky but there haven’t been too many instances in my life when I have come across rabid anti-Semitism.

You just don’t see much open Jew-hatred in Canada. There is a social taboo against it.

Now while I am sure there are many people who harbour anti-Jewish feelings and beliefs and, in private, will give voice to those sentiments, you rarely hear these things spoken in public.

In Canada, it’s ‘just not done.’

It is precisely because of this collective agreement in our society that when people do express unvarnished and vitriolic Jew-hatred, it stands out so distinctly. It sounds even more appalling because our ears are not accustomed to it.

When presented with this ugly side of mankind, I try to make a distinction between the ignorant and the genuinely hateful.

For example, many people say offensive things ‘innocently’ in the sense that they are truly ignorant (i.e. they just don’t know). I don’t think they are being deliberately hateful. They could use some education, cultural awareness and tact… but I wouldn’t automatically lump these people along with neo-nazis, white supremacists and Klansmen.

There are also different brands of Jew-hatred.

The oldest, of course, is religious Jew-hatred. Jews as Christ-killers. Mercifully, in Canada and the United States, at any rate, this type of anti-Jewish mindset is not nearly as common as it was decades ago. This is due to in large part to the modern born-again evangelical community and their embrace of the Jewish people and Israel. Mind you, despite all their love and support, I believe the old Jew-hatred has just been shifted over and relabeled ‘anti-Judaism.’ Try this experiment. Next time an enthusiastic born-again fundamentalist evangelical is going on about how much he loves Israel and the Jewish people, ask him what he thinks about Judaism. What does he think about the Rabbis and the Talmud? Chances are, that old-time Jew-hatred is still there – it’s just been filed under a different heading.

Then we have the cultural/ethnic/racial hatred. The Jews as the eternal strangers in a strange land. Racially inferior. Never wanting to join the mainstream culture but always prepared to feed off of it. To this kind of Jew-hater, Jews are a disease, a parasite, a cancer which must be eradicated. The world needs to purify itself by ridding itself of  all Jews.

There is the sociopolitical Jew-hatred. The age-old conspiracy theories have Jews controlling the banks and media. Jews pulling the strings behind the governments. Jews are the ultimate capitalists. Jews are the ultimate communists. The image of the blood-sucking Jew… the International Jewish Conspiracy… only this time it is the whole world that is the victim.

They’re all disgusting, of course, but as I said above, these kinds of Jew-haters are, thankfully, a tiny minority.

Then there are other groups that are larger, more vocal and more brazen.

I won’t even get into the whole subject of modern Islamic Jew-hatred. To a large extent, it is basically a rehash of Christian European brands of Jew-hatred, just tailored to suit their purposes.

I am also avoiding modern liberal anti-Jewish feelings dressed up to look and sound like anti-Israel or anti-Zionist arguments. And what drives me nuts about it the most? I am a liberal! There was a time when supporting Israel was a liberal position! You support free speech? Gay rights? The right to vote? Women’s rights? Freedom of association? Then you should support the Jewish state. This modern day ‘liberal’ stance makes me sick because there is nothing liberal about it. It gives me a headache and makes me want to turn to violence. Suffice it to say that it is a good thing that I am no longer in university. I would have to be tied down and sedated during the annual Israel Apartheid Week hate-fest.

By the way, if you want to hear a South African member of Parliament (i.e. Kenneth Meshoe, someone who has lived under an apartheid system and knows more than any of the Israel Apartheid Week participants what he is talking about) address the charge that Israel is an apartheid state, you really have to watch this video clip.

But what I am talking about is Jew-hatred on an individual level… not at the group level.

I can probably count on two hands the times in my life when I was confronted by someone who I firmly believed hated Jews. And I mean HATED Jews. And each and every one of these times, it was a most unpleasant situation.

There is no talking with true Jew-haters. And that’s one of the things I hate most about them. You cannot reason with them. They are literally blinded by hatred. Anything you say or do that fits in with their prejudice will be remembered and used to further bolster their beliefs. Anything you say or do that does not fit in with their hatred will be ignored. They don’t hate Jews because of what they did or what they said. They hate Jews for what they are in their twisted imaginations. It is almost impossible to ‘fix’ these people. The disease is too ingrained… too much a part of their DNA.

It is this type of person that I am talking about. Blind, bitter, poisonous people filled with an impotent rage. They’ll spray-paint some cemetery headstones or paint something on a synagogue wall. But by and large they are the ones who blame all of the failings in their own lives to ‘the Jews.’ Can’t get a promotion? The Jews are holding them down. Can’t get a loan or a mortgage? The Jews run the banks and financial institutions. The economy is doing poorly? The Jews own Wall Street. The movies these days are crappy? The Jews control Hollywood and are using it to poison the minds and souls of moral right-thinking members of society.

If you’ve ever had the displeasure of listening to some booze-soaked middle-aged white guy grumbling on about ‘those damned Jews’, you’ll know the kind of person I’m talking about.

So, you can’t talk to them. You can’t fix them. You shouldn’t ignore them. What do you do?

Two things prove effective, not so much against the Jew-hater but with normal people who are exposed to the hatred.

Education. And ridicule. This is a pretty good one-two punch.

Educate yourself as best you can. Mock them mercilessly.

It’s perhaps not as satisfying as taking a Louisville Slugger to them… but in the long run, it probably works better for everyone else.