Why I Hate Almost Everyone (Part 22): Telltale Signs

I’ve had some people ask if there were any telltale signs that tend to tip me off that a person or group of persons would be added to the ever-widening “Why I Hate Almost Everyone” list.

Here is a brief inventory of some clues that would indicate that you’re a likely candidate for addition to The List…

• If you’ve ever cleaned your ears with car/truck keys;

• If you’ve ever grinned or giggled during your bail hearing;

• If you’ve ever said, “I eat lawyers for breakfast!”;

• If you’ve ever said, “I can buy and sell you!”;

• If you’ve ever humiliated, insulted or abused your girlfriend/wife in public; [1]

• If you’ve ever sent food back at a restaurant not because there was anything wrong with it but because you thought it would make you look like a discriminating gourmand;

• If you put up an impassioned defence of Honey Boo Boo and, when it doesn’t work, accuse the other person of being a snob;

• If you say you hate Barry Manilow because you think it is expected of you or you feel too embarrassed to tell the truth;

• If you criticize books or movies on religious grounds without having read or seen them;

• If you paint all liberals or conservatives with the same brush or if you automatically discount anything someone says merely because they are either liberal or conservative;

• If you feel election years give you carte blanche to act like a total fucknugget. [2]

• If you use the expression ‘carte blanche’ without actually knowing what a ‘carte blanche’ was;

• If you pronounce bagel “baggle”;

• If you feel natural disasters are caused by homosexuality;

This is what I could come up with off the top of my head this morning.

I have a feeling I will be adding to this list.

As the Ghost of Jacob Marley said, “It is a ponderous chain!”

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[1] This is not to say I don’t also hate those who abuse women in private. But there’s a special seat in Hell reserved for those guys who do this in public. They’ve forfeited their right to be treated like human beings.

[2] I heard Lt. Debra Morgan (Jennifer Carpenter) blurt out this delightful expression the other night on Dexter. It is my word of the week!