Why I Hate Almost Everyone (Part 22): Telltale Signs

I’ve had some people ask if there were any telltale signs that tend to tip me off that a person or group of persons would be added to the ever-widening “Why I Hate Almost Everyone” list.

Here is a brief inventory of some clues that would indicate that you’re a likely candidate for addition to The List…

  • If you’ve ever cleaned your ears with car/truck keys;

  • If you’ve ever grinned or giggled during your bail hearing;
  • If you’ve ever said, “I eat lawyers for breakfast!”;
  • If you’ve ever said, “I can buy and sell you!”;
  • If you’ve ever humiliated, insulted or abused your girlfriend/wife in public; [1]
  • If you’ve ever sent food back at a restaurant not because there was anything wrong with it but because you thought it would make you look like a discriminating gourmand;
  • If you put up an impassioned defence of Honey Boo Boo and, when it doesn’t work, accuse the other person of being a snob;

  • If you say you hate Barry Manilow because you think it is expected of you or you feel too embarrassed to tell the truth;
  • If you criticize books or movies on religious grounds without having read or seen them;
  • If you paint all liberals or conservatives with the same brush or if you automatically discount anything someone says merely because they are either liberal or conservative;
  • If you feel election years give you carte blanche to act like a total fucknugget. [2]

  • If you use the expression ‘carte blanche’ without actually knowing what a ‘carte blanche’ was;
  • If you pronounce bagel “baggle”;
  • If you feel natural disasters are caused by homosexuality;

This is what I could come up with off the top of my head this morning.

I have a feeling I will be adding to this list.

As the Ghost of Jacob Marley said, “It is a ponderous chain!”



[1] This is not to say I don’t also hate those who abuse women in private. But there’s a special seat in Hell reserved for those guys who do this in public. They’ve forfeited their right to be treated like human beings.

[2] I heard Lt. Debra Morgan (Jennifer Carpenter) blurt out this delightful expression the other night on Dexter. It is my word of the week!


6 comments on “Why I Hate Almost Everyone (Part 22): Telltale Signs

  1. renxkyoko says:

    OMG I used carte blanche once. =_=” Don’t hate me.

    • vampyrefangs says:

      Oh, Ren.. I could never hate you. Besides, because you’ve used Carte Blanch, you know what it is and don’t throw the expression around not knowing what the heck it really means. This takes you out of the ‘hate’ category and into the ‘awesome’ category. 🙂

  2. renxkyoko says:

    Oh, wow. On my post, I wrote I wanted to go to Israel. So, what will you do there? Tour. or do you have relatives there to visit?

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