The Twilight Saga – BREAKING DAWN (Part 1): The Fourth Level of Hell

Well, I’ve managed to survive the Twilight Saga movie series so far. Let’s see how I make out with the fourth installment, Breaking Dawn (Part 1)!

I have to tell you, I did not think I would make it this far into the series. I don’t know whether to be proud or ashamed.

OK, here goes (according to the DVD blurb)…

A marriage, honeymoon and the birth of a child bring unforeseen and shocking developments for Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) and those they love, including new complications for werewolf, Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner).

(Twi-hards’ dream wedding but where did Bella get that dress living out in the sticks?!)

Mayhem ensues when… Bella gets pregnant like right away… and is ready to deliver in a month or so, that is how fast the pregnancy is progressing. There are severe complications with the pregnancy. The wolf pack gets their fur in a knot because they believe the baby is probably going to be some abomination that won’t be able to control its appetite and will be a danger to all humans around it. They decide to kill the baby. Jacob leaves the pack to protect Bella. Lord knows why.

In this movie, Edward is even more insufferable than ever. Usually, it’s Bella who drives you crazy but in Breaking Dawn (Part 1), Edward gives her a run for her money. What a whiny  pouting, long-faced loser. You almost feel sorry for Bella for having married such a spineless downer of a yutz. Almost.

So how was Breaking Dawn (Part 1) received. I am glad you asked!

RottenTomatoes.com gives it a 25% freshness rating, saying, “Slow, joyless, and loaded with unintentionally humorous moments, Breaking Dawn Part 1 may satisfy the Twilight faithful, but it’s strictly for fans of the franchise.”

Jeff Bayer at The Scorecard Review: Whatever momentum the third film had in this series, it’s gone. Once again, it’s an average soap opera.

Robert Roten at the Laramie Movie Scope: This slow-moving film has long periods of inaction and generates little suspense, making it the worst film in the “Twilight Saga” films so far.

But the reviews weren’t all bad…

Tom Long, Top Critic: There are a few reasons The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 1 is probably the best of the Twilight films.

Bruce Diones, at the New Yorker: This penultimate “Twilight” film is the best in the series so far. It’s languorous, romantic, moody, and, in the end, horrifying.

My two cents… Breaking Dawn (Part 1) solves a lot of the tension issues that make the Cullen/Swan couple such an enormous pain in the tush. Sex, Marriage, Vampirism… they all get settled. What we are left with is Edward and Bella as a married couple and sweet Lord almighty are they tedious. When Bella starts languishing during childbirth, becoming anorexic to the point of looking like a human skeleton, I was cheering for the baby to finish her off once and for all. Alas, it was not to be.

Breaking Dawn (Part 1) is a soapy melodrama. Twi-hards will love it. The whole wedding thing? I could almost see tweens, teens and Twi-hard moms alike drenching Kleenex like they were getting paid for it. I was starting to get used to things in the last movie but this one brings it all crashing down to earth. And was there anyone out there who didn’t know that the movie would end with a close-up of Bella’s new, red vampire eyes?

The bottom line… Breaking Dawn (Part 1) is My Big Fat Boring Vampire Wedding.

Now I figure that most of the angst-producing stuff that gets Edward to furrow his brow and look like he has gas… or that makes Bella… well… look exactly the same no matter what… is taken care of in this movie. Edward didn’t want to have sex and Bella did? They had sex. Bella didn’t want to get married and Edward did? They got married. Edward didn’t want to make Bella a vampire and she did? She’s a vampire.

Gee… I wonder what will happen in Breaking Dawn (Part 2) to make them feel all tortured about who they are and what they want and Lord oh Lord I hope Blade or Buffy or someone with a wooden stake shows up at the end of the next movie and takes care of them both!

Breaking Down (Part 2) opens in theatres November 16, 2012.

aa-tribalfang

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2 comments on “The Twilight Saga – BREAKING DAWN (Part 1): The Fourth Level of Hell

  1. renxkyoko says:

    Vampires are living dead, right? Do vampire women give birth? * really interested to know *

    And how about the kiddie? Vampire too?

    • vampyrefangs says:

      If you want to get all cute and technical about it, zombies are the living dead and vampyres are the undead. Both are reanimated corpses and both feed on us. People love vampyres but hate zombies. In some movies/books, vampyres can reproduce. You often hear the line “I vas BORN a vampyre!” As for the kiddie-winkers, I suspect they are vampyres too but you often hear of the children becoming ‘dhampyr’ or ‘dhampir’. A dhampyr has the advantages of being a vampyre (strength, speed, vision, hearing, rapid healing, etc) but because it’s half human it has none of the disadvantages (i.e. it can walk in sunlight). The characters Blade (real name, Eric Brooks) in the Blade series of books and film, Rayne in BloodRayne, and, yes, little Renesmee Cullen in The Twilight Saga, for example, are all dhampyr.

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