Why I Hate Almost Everyone (Part 9): Egoists

It’s New York Fashion Week!!!

Having said that…

Egoists drive me up the wall and across the ceiling.

And no, I don’t mean egotists.

An egotist is basically someone with an over-inflated sense of self-worth. An egotist is full of himself. A conceited, boastful braggart. [1]

Today I want to focus on egoists. Egoists are completely selfish, self-absorbed and self-centred persons. The “I am the centre of the universe” kind of people who make you want to take a large metal rasp to their noses.

(A large metal rasp. You’ve been warned)

Strictly speaking, egoism is a term used in Ethics to mean ‘a theory that treats self-interest as the foundation of moral behaviour,’ although this sense is not dominant today. [2]

The sense that is dominant today is the one that goes something like, “the world ends about 18 inches from my body!”

Egoists can only think of things in terms of themselves.

Egoists invariably steer conversations their way… because, after all, it’s all about them. They are quite clever and resourceful in doing so.

Earthquake in San Fransisco in which dozens perish?

“Oh, how sad. There is this wonderful little restaurant I went to in Chinatown. I loved it. It’s one of my favourite places. I hope it’s OK. I’d hate the thought of never being able to go there ever again!”

The Pope dies?

“I remember when I was at the Vatican. Something awful happened… I forget what… and I couldn’t get to see the Sistine Chapel. I was only there for two days. It totally ruined my trip to Rome!” [3]

I, I, I… Me, Me, Me… My, My, My!!

I find it hard to fathom their head-over-heels dippiness about themselves because, trust me, once you get to know them, the vast majority of egoists usually have a lot to be humble about.

I once knew a young Wiccan-wannabee girl who told me she was totally bummed out on 9/11. Was it the unspeakable evil of the attacks? The horrific loss of life? The deep feeling of violation on a national scale?? No!

You see… she was in a mad rush that day and did not send out ‘positive energy’ as she usually did during her morning rituals. Seriously… this girl was feeling guilty all day on 9/11 because she believed that in a very real way, while the attacks were not technically all her fault, she for sure could have prevented the death, devastation and national trauma had she just risked being late for class that morning. She was so distraught, looking at those burning and collapsing towers again and again, thinking… if only I’d sent out my good vibes, none of this would have happened!

(Oh, get a grip!)

If I’d known her at the time, I could have saved her family thousands of dollars in rhinoplasty with my $20 Walmart metal woodworking rasp.

Honestly! Myopia is one thing but… DANG! [4]

She must find it difficult to stand under the combined weight of all that chutzpah and sheer bull.

Listen, egoists… I want to tell you something and I need you to pay close attention because it concerns you and I know that is important to you.

You are not the centre of the universe. And we now have the Hubble Space Telescope photos to prove it!

I have a rasp… and I am not afraid to use it!


[1] Please don’t get me wrong. I have a burning hatred for them too. Believe me. But as far as I am concerned, as annoying and full of hot air as egotists might be, they are easily dismissed with a contemptuous wave of my hand.

[2] Oxford English Dictionary Online.

[3] And who the hell books only two days for a trip to Rome, anyway??

[4] Yes, I said ‘dang’ and, by gum, I meant it!


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