Why I Hate Almost Everyone (Part 7): Household Pets

My aversion to household pets (aka household pests) did not developed gradually over many years like so many of my dislikes. No, this one came upon me virtually overnight.


(You’re not fooling anyone!)

Before The Great Epiphany, I was much like everyone else in that I had deluded myself into thinking that cats, dogs and other such fur-bearing freeloaders were my ‘friends.’ There was a time when I had four (count ’em, FOUR) cats. There was a time when I couldn’t imagine that any best friend in the whole world could possibly be better than my black labrador retriever.

(Trista: Man’s best friend? Or professional panhandler?)

When the scales finally fell from my eyes, I saw with a chilling clarity that I had been duped by a bunch of cute parasites.

(Chuckles: Yeah, yeah. I get it… you’re cute)

The main purpose… the raison d’être for any household creature… is to eat and poop, get you to spend money on them and have you clean up after them in the process. And in return you get… what? Some feline fleabag rubbing against your leg and almost causing you to fall and get a concussion as you try to navigate your way across the room? A canine con-man who sheds, drools and barks whenever it’s not knocking things over as it clears the surfaces of coffee tables with its tail?

(Who is the bigger freeloader?)

Some pets are more or less easy to understand. People have been mooched off of by dogs and cats for thousands of years. There is at least an element of history and tradition to these deadbeats. Some are less easy to fathom. Rodents, for example. For millennia, Man has been trying to rid his living quarters of rodents. To bring mice, gerbils, hamsters, etc., into one’s house is a slap in the face of progress.

(Copper: What a chazzer!)

While we’re at it, why not bring in lice, cockroaches or bedbugs? I’ll tell you why. Because lice, cockroaches, bedbugs, etc. are not cute. They are every bit as parasitic… just not nearly as adorable as other scroungers like bunnies and pot-bellied pigs.

(If only I could’ve trained Toots or Louise to do this!)

And don’t even get me started on birds. Evil-tempered, nasty creatures who will take a nip at you just as soon as they’d poop on your head (a feat few other household pets can pull off).

(I’m hoping no one drinks from that cup again!)

I’ve noticed that the photos I really like are ones that show these household bums in distress. They really do bring a smile to my face.

(Can you say ‘Schadenfreude’?)

It makes me want to throw a bucket of cold water on a kitten just to see this reaction in real life!

(Now this is just funny!)

It also, I suppose, makes me an evil, wicked, cruel and heartless person. So be it. I am at peace with that.

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One comment on “Why I Hate Almost Everyone (Part 7): Household Pets

  1. Flyfisherjo says:

    You don’t have to throw a bucket of water on the kitten, just throw their toy in a toilet, they’ll jump in to get it…once. Except a kitten I once had who LOVED water and would play in the toilet all the time (I cleaned it everyday to keep her healthy) She actually threw her own toys in the toilet so she had an excuse to go in after them! She also snuck in behind the shower curtain whenever I took a shower, laid in the bathroom sink when the water was running and liked to dip her tail and feet in the bath. She also supervised the doing of dishes. If it was water-based, she was there. I was devastated when that stupid contaminated food problem killed her off.
    I understand the heartbreak in losing a pet and each time I lose a pet, I have sworn them off too. What changes for me is knowing there are innocent animals suffering in shelters, looking for homes and if paying for their food, shots and bedding/toys is all it takes to get them out of there or avoid having them put down, I will save one or two. Each fully trains me to their liking. 🙂
    BTW, you were correct in your assumption that cats made the move to be domesticated by humans first, not the other way around. It was only in the middle ages but the small cat species decided enough was enough in trying to survive so they moved into human territory, made themselves cute and useful (rodent killers) and thus began the modern house cat.

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