Why I Hate Almost Everyone (Part 3): Bad Driving

One of my best and dearest friends, MS, once said that it is his great wish that the Jewish publishing house, Artscroll, put out a volume entitled, Hilchos Driving (Laws of Driving)!

I join him in that fervent prayer.

(I have a feeling THIS handbook is way too popular!)

What is it about people who, while relatively normal in their day-to-day lives and dealings with others, suddenly and inexplicably turn into total unmitigated dickwads when they get behind the wheel?

I think you know the type I mean. The ones who would rather die than let you in ahead of them. The one who goes into full road-rage mode if he feels you ‘cut him off’ (apparently, second only to treason in the hierarchy of heinous offences).The one who is talking on the cell phone while putting on make-up while lighting a cigarette while buttering a bagel while changing lanes.

(Natural Selection may take care of this problem)

Maybe it’s the feeling of anonymity. Maybe being encased in fibreglass and metal gives one a sense of invulnerability. Maybe it’s knowing that 99% of the time, you never suffer any real consequences of your stupid actions.

But it’s that 1% that will get you and, heaven forbid, injure you… or worse, someone else (i.e. me)!

I also get the feeling that there is a certain percentage of drivers who feel deep down that following the rules, obeying the laws, driving like a mensch… is for suckers. All the other losers out there let people into their lane, allow the other person to take the parking spot, wait for the elderly persons to cross the street without blaring the horn and causing them to go into cardiac arrest. Nope… The King of the Road will use the sucker’s kindness and willingness to follow the rules of the road to his own advantage – cutting in, cutting off, tailgating, bullying, yelling, middle-fingering, etc. – thereby arriving at the stop light at least 4 seconds faster than he would have done had he acted like a decent human being.

(No translation necessary)

And another thing… It drives me insane when, in a plaza, I see the area in front of a store clearly and repeatedly marked with No Parking and No Stopping and Tow Away Zone signs only to have some schmuck plop his car there because heaven forbid he should park in the parking lot like the rest of us plebes and walk a whole 30 feet to the store. Nope! It’s convenient for him so screw everyone else.

(Say Hello to My Little Friend!)

It is a good thing Canada has strict gun-control laws or else there would be a whole other kind of natural selection going on. A little chlorine in the rotten driver gene pool courtesy of the boys at Colt’s Manufacturing!

Fortunately, our world-renown ‘niceness’ usually stands us in good stead here in southern Ontario. But, like fauxhemians ruin it for bohemians [1], rotten drivers taint the rest of the normal driving public.

I may in the future write (or co-write with my dear friend SG) an article about driving in (or despite) Montreal traffic.


[1] See previous article, Fauxhemians (And Why I Hate Them)!


7 comments on “Why I Hate Almost Everyone (Part 3): Bad Driving

  1. Flyfisherjo says:

    OMWord! The illustration on the cover was practiced by some twit on my way home today. The way those of us starting beeping our horns at him…boy, if horns were truly violent, that driver would have been pulverized!

    • vampyrefangs says:

      I’m hoping one day to have machine gun headlights like on James Bond’s Aston Martin! 🙂

      • Flyfisherjo says:

        That would be awesome! Talk about hit and run! 🙂
        I think some macabre film maker should make a short based on horns turning into flesh-eating birds, attacking bad drivers and cleaning them down to bare bones in seconds when they do stupid things. (Note to self: stop reading Stephen King…)

  2. Your pictures are hilarious! Where I live, it’s always like this. Trying to navigate the highway either makes you a timid, lifeless creature or a monster….. Not sure which one I’m going to end up as…

    • vampyrefangs says:

      Thanks for your kind words. One of my favourite parts of putting an article together is finding just the right pictures. Where do you live? Liveless creature or monster? Why choose? Be a zombie! 😉

      • I live in the Dallas/Fort Worth area, which is always competing with California for the worst city to drive in!! 😛 Haha, you got a good point there. 🙂 Maybe I’ll go ahead and be a zombie!

  3. […] [王大发财 via Vampyrefangs] […]

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