Lesbian Vampire Killers: Review (It’s Not What You Think)

Seriously, Lesbian Vampire Killers is not the kind of movie you think it is.

(Lesbian Vampire Killers)

OK… it is… but not in the WAY you may think.

It more like Shawn of the Dead or Zombieland… only with vampyres.

I’m not saying this right.

Let me back up a bit.

As with many of the films I discuss here, this little adventure in movie reviewing started with me dodging the living dead at The Walmarts while snatching an eye-catching DVD. And when it comes to eye-catching, you have to admit it’s pretty hard to miss the title Lesbian Vampire Killers.

My initial thought was, ‘Is this a movie about vampyre killers who happened to be lesbians? Or about people who kill lesbian vampyres?’ The title can be viewed both ways!

Turns out that the latter situation is the one that fits the bill with this film.

(Matthew Horne and James Corden as Jimmy and Fletch)

OK, here’s the deal… Centuries ago, Baron Wolfgang MacLaren vanquished the Vampyre Queen Carmilla in the remote village of Cragwich; however, before decapitating the evil vampyre, she curses the locals and descendants of the Baron, swearing that every woman would turn into a lesbian vampyre on the eighteenth birthday. Meanwhile in modern day London, two buddies… one recently dumped by his girlfriend, the other recently fired, both broke… decide to hike and camp in the countryside to forget their problems. The end up in the village of Cragwich and an innkeeper offers them a cottage also rented by four hot Swedish girls. Said hot girls have trouble with their van and the boys show up. Van is OK and the girls offer the boys a ride to the cottage. The girls are folklore students who are on a field study trip researching the Vampyre Queen Carmilla. Jimmy has a crush on one of the girls, Lotte, who, luck would have it, has a crush on Jimmy. Fletch is no doubt hoping for a three-way with the other girls. Any hopes of a good time are dashed when the other three non-Lotte girls are taken and turned into the undead. The cottage is soon surrounded by… lesbian vampyres!

Mayhem ensues when the vampyres intend to use Jimmy and Lotte’s blood to bring Queen Carmilla back to life. Jimmy and Lotte are abducted by the vampyres, but Fletch escapes and meets Reverend Vicar who tells him that Jimmy is a descendant of the Baron and the only hope to stop the evil curse of Cragwich.

(Four hot Swedish girls)

This movie really is a guilty pleasure. You almost hate yourself for liking it. It’s stupid and juvenile. It’s sexist and exploitative. But it is done with such a tongue-in-cheek goofiness that you can’t help but have a good time. There is a gleeful childishness about it. The guys are adorable in their loserness. Lotte is the perfect virgin with the heart of gold. The other girls are such perfect air-heads. The mandatory cross-wielding priest (or this case, a Vicar) is admirably creepy. And of course the lesbian vampyres themselves… well… they live up to their roles.

I believe I’m getting to the point where if a movie gets less than 30% approval rating on RottenTomatoes.com, (Lesbian Vampire Killers gets a 27%), I  am bound to like it a lot!

If you want some sophomoric laughs and a genuine good time with some honest to goodness silliness, then this flick is for you. I thought it was just going to be some low-rent cheesy exploitation flick… and at a certain level it is, kind of… but I did not expect to enjoy it so thoroughly. I smiled the entire way through. Like Shawn of the Dead and Zombieland, both of which are far superior in just about every respect, Lesbian Vampire Killers delivers pure enjoyable entertainment. And when all is said and done, isn’t that why we watch movies in the first place?

One and a quarter sexy lesbian vampyre thumbs up!


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