Why I Hate Almost Everyone (Part I): They’re Dumbasses

I hate almost everyone. Seriously. I really do.

Almost everyone I know is, to one degree or another, annoying, irritating, mind-numbingly boring or… the subject of today’s rant… dumb as a bag of hammers.

(You say ‘cute’. I say ‘dumbass’)

Take this one man I know at my local synagogue. He is distractingly stupid. And I don’t mean just stunned and clued-out in your average old guy kinda way. I mean virtually everything he says is either wrong or complete and utter nonsense. How he makes it from wherever the heck he lives to shul and back day to day is a total mystery to me. How he can survive without wandering out into traffic or driving off a cliff or accidentally eating toxic sludge thinking it was Jell-O has me flummoxed. I can think of no better argument against natural selection than this guy. And he’s not OLD old, like some poor nonagenarian who thinks he’s still in WW2. He’s just pain-in-the-ass old. The kind of ‘I know everything because somehow I haven’t died yet’ old that drives you nuts.

And it’s not just stupid old people I hate. Stupid young people I hate even more!

(Our jails are not filled with geniuses)

I work with stupid young people (i.e. teenagers) on a daily basis. I spend a good chunk of my day going from “WTF?” to “You just cain’t make this shit up!” to “Seriously… This person cannot be this stupid!” to “I can’t see our world surviving this new generation” to “The Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse cannot happen too soon!” Young stupidity is the kind that causes that vein in my forehead to throb, the kind that makes me throw up my hands (and my lunch) and just want to walk away in despair and disgust. Their brainlessness is a tangible entity… a life-sapping energy-draining force you can almost feel. You look into their vacant faces and their eyes show no evidence of intelligence. You know those emails you get about stupid criminals and the Darwin Awards?. THOSE are the guys I’m talking about. These are the kinds of guys who bungee jump off a 50 foot railway overpass… with 50 feet of bungee cord. The kind who steals a huge tray of shrimp and runs out of the store only to be caught 20 yards away. How fast do you think you can run carrying an enormous platter of shrimp, Einstein? Or the kind who go to a bank to open an account, then while the teller is processing their info, rob the bank and run out… leaving the drivers licence with the teller. That takes a special kind of stupid.

(A real public service announcement)

I’ve often wondered what would happen if I placed “stupid young offender guy” in the same room with “stupid old shul guy” and just watched. Would they cancel each other out? Would they, like two negative forces, repel one another? Or, heaven forbid, would the two imbeciles meld together into one big super-dense black hole of stupidity, consuming everything around them?

(You say bagel. I say ‘baggle’)

Then there are hick trailer girls who are both stupid and stubborn. Now there’s a dangerous pair of qualities to mix in the same person… arrogance and ignorance. This is the kind of cretin who refuses to admit she is wrong and insists that what she is doing or thinking or believing is somehow equally valid or true because ‘that’s just the way she does it.’ The ones who pronounce bagel ‘baggle’ despite the fact that everyone… and I mean EVERYONE… tells them they are saying it wrong. “That’s how we say it where I come from!” is the stock reply. Well, honey, then you come from the village of Wrongburgh which is a suburb of the City of Incorrectady, in the Regional Municipality of Dumbass. You can’t pronounce lasagna ‘La-ZAG-na’ or gnocchi ‘Guh-NOTCH-ee’ and then try to pull the ‘that’s how we pronounce it out in Possum Butt Falls’ schtick! ‘Stickin’ by yer guns’ is not an admirable quality in this situation. Learn to speak the damn language, you hillbilly!

I’m not an unpleasant person, I’m really not. I’m not ill-tempered. I try to be nice and friendly and patient and understanding and polite and all the things that help me make it through the day without sticking a letter opener in someone’s neck.

(I think I’m turning into Red Foreman)

It’s just that stupid people make it difficult for me to hang on to the tattered shreds of my composure. I can’t seem to shrug it off. Irritation and annoyance turn to effen hatred.

Like the guy who is in his car getting angier and angier that the vehicle ahead of him isn’t moving… and he leans on the horn, screaming. You know… the guy you pull up beside and say, “Excuse me, but… that car’s parked!” Thank goodness Canada has strict handgun laws. Road rage alone would produce more carnage than anything else.

I can deal with plain old ignorance. An ignorant person just doesn’t know. Information and education cures ignorance. That can be taken care of, no problem. That can be fixed.

Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I hate almost everyone.

You can’t fix stupid.



4 comments on “Why I Hate Almost Everyone (Part I): They’re Dumbasses

  1. ROFL. I just had to share with all my FB friends. I assume you’ve heard the song, “Here’s your sign…”

    • vampyrefangs says:

      Thanks for sharing! I appreciate it. I have indeed heard Bill Engvall who seems a bit amused by the morons. I have trouble not despising them especially when, for example, one rides down an escalator and then just stands at the bottom looking around. What does he think is going to happen to the dozens of people behind him? Or if you are at a buffet table… the geniuses who come to the table, fill their plates and then just stand there at the buffet table eating and talking. I’m sure even good-natured Bill Engvall would like to give them two in the hat!

      And then there’s the guy…

      But I could just go on and on! Thanks again.

  2. TAH says:

    I ran across this page totally by accident, but this entry is fantastic. It’s like my own thoughts being expressed. It’s not just hillbillies, it’s teens across the board. Blithering, slobbering morons that have the mental acumen of a deranged, retarded dung beetle. Let’s not forget about TV…..one moronic presidential candidate after another; so ridiculous I have to turn the channel. Or what about MTV and their host of Kartrashian shows. Toddlers and Tiaras, Jersey Bore, Nancy (Dis)Grace, and on and on. I told some woman at the check-out counter yesterday I respect the fact that she can work with the public because I’d be in prison inside of a week if I had to deal with the idiots out there. All of them, not just the teens. You should check out Maddox (the best page in the universe)….lol. Quite funny. Anyway, thanks for a great entry, you’re not alone with the dummies out there!!

  3. Robert Thomas says:

    I as well stumbled upon this diatribe and was pleasantly surprised to read that this espoused my exact same feelings on the subject of stupid people to a tee. Thanks Fangs, a good rant that was very well put; remember, you just can’t fix stupid.

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