Why I Hate Movie Theatres

I love movies. I used to love seeing movies in movie theatres.

(The old Capitol Theatre in my home town)

Not anymore.

I’m not sure when, exactly, my love of movie theatres turned to extreme dislike. I think it was about the time that I started getting ticked off by the general public.

(The old Park Theatre in my home town)

As a rule, I don’t like people. An individual person, I don’t mind. Even two or three, I can handle… but people in a group, or worse, a crowd? Not so much. I really don’t do the throng thing outside of religious events, and even then I don’t really care all that much for the jostling.

People, or rather my antipathy towards the great unwashed, ruined the movie theatre experience for me.

People whispering, people talking loudly as if the movie theatre was their own living room, people walking around and blocking the screen… I couldn’t take it anymore.

And the line-ups! Standing in line to buy a ticket. Standing in line for a popcorn and Coke. Standing in line at the bathroom. It felt like I was going to break out in a cold sweat.

There were a few nice things about movie theatres. Air conditioning. That was nice. Also, the wide-screen was really big and if the scene was shot just right, you were able to get that queasy feeling in your stomach like on a roller coaster. For example, watching Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back at the University Theatre in Toronto, when the rebel base scout ships flew out in the morning to see if Luke and Han Solo were ok, the way they swooped up and down over the snow-covered hills… and you saw the landscape from the pilot’s point of view… I could feel my stomach do flip-flops. That was cool.

Other than that, there’s not a heck of a lot I miss about the big screen experience, except the big screen. The garbage you have to go through in order to experience it is, for me, not worth the effort. The sticky floors alone are enough of a turn-off.

Two things sank the last nail into the cinema coffin for me. The VHS tape and cell phones. Watching videos at home, albeit on a small screen, was a vastly more comfortable and less irritating experience all around. And if anyone has ever heard a cell phone go off in a movie theatre only to have the recipient take the call and carry on a conversation, often giving the caller a play-by-play description of the film… no other case need be made for watching movies on DVD in the comfort of your own home.

So, I will buy a big bottle of Diet Coke, fire up some Orville Redenbacher Original Gourmet Popping Corn  (I don’t own a microwave), curl up in my comfy wingback armchair… and sigh happily as the movie begins.

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4 comments on “Why I Hate Movie Theatres

  1. Dana says:

    I hate going to the movie theatre as well. The prices, the stale popcorn and ridiculously large drinks, the lineups, the sticky floors, the arcades, the cacophony of noises in the lobby, the deafening volume of the movie itself, the commercials (!!!!), the person who keeps bumping the back of your seat, the talking, etc. But the thing I hate the most is being stuck in that seat for however long the movie lasts. No “pause” button. I like being in control of my environment.

    • vampyrefangs says:

      How about when you’re watching a movie that is 3 hours long or more and trying to decide when to go to the bathroom. In other words, gambling on which scene will be uneventful enough that you can spare a couple of minutes to skip to the loo and back and not miss The Most Important Scene in the Movie! By the time you HAVE to go… it is usually the climax of the movie!! Aarrggghh!! Believe me, I know what a blessing the pause button is!!

  2. Longshot says:

    Wish I could post some pictures of what was some great movie theaters in my home town of Detroit. I’m talking years ago, I’m 54.

    East Side

    Romona was on Gratiot, Vogue was on Harper Ave.

    West side

    Kramer was on Oakman Blvd.

    Mai Kai and Terrace on Plymouth Rd. in Livonia. A lot of memories. Drive-in’s even more. Different world back in my parents days and my youth. Miss it.

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