Star Whores Episode IV: A Forlorn Hope

Nothing brings people together like a good space alien invasion or zombie apocalypse.

But as I hypothesized not long ago in Whoremaggedon: Rise of the Floombies, even the most routine of apocalyptic scenarios can have a seamy side.

Now, while today’s concept of The Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse only goes back to 1968 and George Romero’s seminal classic Night of the Living Dead, the idea of Earth being conquered by space aliens is much older going back at least as far as the 1898 H.G Wells novel The War of the Worlds.

Unlike in zombie lore, space alien contact and even invasions often have a sexual aspect. Whether they want us as instruments of reproduction or for scientific experimentation… or even mates a la Mars Needs Women or Men in Black… it is not uncommon for space aliens and humans to have a close encounter of an altogether different kind. Human-space alien prostitution, for example, figures in such films as Alien Nation and the more recent District 9.

But if it’s OK with you, let’s not talk about Flesh Gordon. It still makes me want to wash my eyeballs. And even I didn’t bother seeing Flesh Gordon and the Cosmic CheerleadersWhile I am loath to call them ‘standards’, I am not without my limits.

I would expect there are more than a few boys and young men who daydream about making it with sexy space alien women in skin-tight mylar outfits. And I confine my remarks to males for the simple reason that I have never even once heard girls or women so much as speculate on sexual relations with off-world studs from a distant solar system. OK, maybe those big blue hunky guys from Avatar, but that’s it. Granted, I may have led a sheltered life but there you have it.

So, intergalactic-interspecies sex, eh?

As someone who’s recently been told that I need an intervention for my zombie fascination, I still feel the need to speak out on this subject.

I mean really. I’m sorry, but you’ve forced me to put on my serious hat.

OK, guys (and the occasional girl)… nerd to nerd…

Firstly, humans do not even communicate in any real significant way with the other Earth life forms with which we have DNA in common! You may be able, after many months, to train a brilliant chimp genius… a chimpanzee Einstein with whom we share about 99% of our DNA… to do some form of rudimentary sign language. Human toddlers can do that instinctively. And that’s with only a 1% difference between us and our closest relative on the planet. So, how much of a gap would there be between us and another life form that’s only 1% different from us in the direction that we are different from the chimps? What are we to them? Do you think they will want to have a conversation with us? And if they wanted to, would we even be able to understand each other let alone want to have hot steamy Flesh Gordon sex? And again, this is between life forms that are only 1% different. Would space aliens have evolved on some distant planet under conditions dissimilar to Earth… and yet they share 99% of our DNA? [1]

Seriously, people. Give the old head a shake, ok? Please? Space alien blonde bombshells in tinfoil bras and panties aren’t going to show up anytime soon. And ladies… neither are big blue stud muffins.

Despite the fervent prayers of many a nerd and geek everywhere, the chances of lusty intergalactic hotties travelling hundreds of light years to have sex with everyone at Comic-Con are slim, at best.

I’m sorry. I hate being the bearer of bad news.

If it makes you feel any better, I can get you some popcorn and a copy of Cat-Women of the Moon.

There! Now I can take off my serious hat and we can get on with the urgent business of preparing for The Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse, the way the Almighty had intended.


[1]  An out of this world event, Cosmic Quandaries, was held at The Palladium, St. Petersburg College (Florida) at 7 p.m. on Wednesday, March 26, 2008. Audience members had the opportunity to ask Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson a question on any and all galactic wonders they may have. This paragraph is modeled closely after a small part of that seminar. The entire 90-minute event can be seen here.


4 comments on “Star Whores Episode IV: A Forlorn Hope

  1. bunnynoah says:

    You mean the “Bawdy Tales of Captain Kirk” aren’t true??? I can hear the collective groans of disappointment from every male SciFi fan everywhere!

  2. vampyrefangs says:

    bunnynoah: Nope! Kirk tended to ‘beam down’ only on humanoids. Mind you, in Galaxy Quest, there was that delightful bit of interstellar-interspecies hankypanky with Fred Kwan (Tony Shalhoub) and Laliari (Missi Pyle)! 🙂

  3. “Star Whores” — that was the name of the film series in the Kevin Smith film, “Zack & Mirie make a Porno”! Though, I doubt there’s any connection.

  4. vampyrefangs says:

    Never saw the movie. I got the name from a conversation I had a few years ago with a born again Christian who referred to the Midianite “Lust Conquers All” tactic as Whoremaggedon. I found out after I wrote this piece that Whoremaggedon is also the name of a death/heavy metal band. They put out an album called “Gates of Hell.”

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