Zombie Awareness Goes Prep!!

Hello, everyone…

Barbara “Babs” Parkington here on a subject of increasing importance to P.L.U. [1]

Zombie Awareness!

It is slowly but surely spreading throughout all segments of our culture and the preppy world is no exception.

Right-thinking members of society, of which preppies constitute a goodly part, are by now aware that in The Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse, the living dead will not be as encumbered as we are by style, grace, any discernible fashion sense or even, heaven help us, good manners or a proper appreciation of their place in society. Zombies will most assuredly not give preppies any deference whatsoever. When the world comes crashing down around our ears, it behooves the preppy classes to be at the forefront of defending our country and, in time, getting it back up on its feet as the Almighty had intended.

While it goes without saying that the “life challenged” are not now nor will they ever be even remotely part of polite society (let alone high society), the haute bourgeoisie, both urban and rural, are at last acknowledging their duty to prepare for what will prove an unavoidable issue for us all.

To that end, several new lifestyle changes in addition to some useful and informative publications are coming to our attention.

For example, this fall, L.L. Bean’s Hunting catalog will feature, along with its Hunting Gear and Fishing Gear, a brand new section on Zombie Gear. Tree-mounted game cameras have been upgraded to digitally capture the living dead, then transmit the images immediately to your computer and even your cellphone! The knives and tools section now includes new Z-G (Zombie-Grade) machetes, hatchets and axes. State of the art range-finders can pin-point a zombie’s distance, ensuring greater accuracy with high-powered rifles. Both hunting and fishing apparel now include new and improved features for additional zombie defence gear.

Lest one think that the gentle sex is being ignored, nothing could be further from the truth! For instance, some of the finest tack shops in Manhattan, Boston, Atlanta and Dallas are refitting their English saddles to accommodate lightweight yet battle-ready ‘lady-size’ wakizashi swords. Preppy girls will have little to fear when they are so effectively outfitted for riding, especially with such prudent accessories as small sidearms. When in the city, Muffy and Bootsy can carry the latest ‘slimline’ semi-automatic pistols, ideal for slipping into a shoulder holster or tote bag.

Speaking of firearms, we understand that the derringer is making a splendid come-back. High-end gun shops all across New England and Texas can barely keep them stocked enough to meet the demand. While pretty much useless at even a medium distance, nothing registers a preppy girl’s displeasure quite like a derringer to a zombie’s temple at point-blank range. It gives a whole new meeting to the old phrase, “give the young man a bloody!”

We expect that The Preppy Girl’s Guide to Zombies, by Cecily Claire “CC” Adams-Brooke will be a welcome addition to any school backpack, desk, locker or gym-bag. The section on urban tactics and parkland attack-and-defence techniques will hold any preppy girl in good stead. Whether in a building, on the street or in the park, you will be prepared for the living dead.

Not to be outdone, The Debutante’s Book of Preternatural Boys, by Madison Gabriella Ashton, tackles not only The Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse but also provides high society young ladies much-needed information and strategies regarding vampyres and werewolves. We’ve even heard of one exclusive designer label which gives Debs the option of slender sheathes discretely hidden inside the traditional long white gloves… for throwing knives (silver, of course). Talk about a young lady who is prepared for anything!

And, for the preppy young man, we are thrilled to learn that Hampden-Sydney College will be putting out a companion volume to its classic To Manner Born, To Manners Bred: A Hip-pocket Guide to Etiquette for the Hampden-Sydney Man. The new booklet, as yet untitled, will cover everything from basic zombie protocol, how to recognize and alert others to the presence of zombies, how to respond to an attack, how to choose a weapon, to how to dress for any occasion (everything from urban/woodland camouflage to black tie or white tie events), etc. Hampden-Sydney publishes the books as useful tools for existing successfully in a variety of social and zombie-related settings.

Speaking of prep schools, when it comes to sporting gear, preppies are in a unique position as they are one of the few groups,  outside of those from most British Commonwealth countries, who have ready access to cricket bats… perhaps one of the most effective anti-zombie weapons around. Golf clubs, canoe paddles, skulling oars, ski poles, field hockey and lacrosse sticks – even croquet and polo mallets – are readily available to most prep families and can been used to great effect against the living dead.  And never underestimate the effectiveness of a skillfully administered tennis racket backhand. If you cannot obtain sporting equipment directly from your prep school, any top drawer sporting goods supply company can provide you will all you need.

One caveat regarding fencing equipment. While a fencing foil, épée or sabre may give one a momentary, albeit swashbuckling, air of confidence… they are ineffective against even the dullest of zombies.

Finally, one cannot help but wonder… will Lisa Birnbach be adding a new page or two in an upcoming revised edition of True Prep to address these most pressing of concerns? We live in hope!

In short, as far as zombie awareness and preparedness for the prep world, we have an embarrassment of riches when it comes to resource material with more coming each month.

Until then, let us take a deep breath, raise our glasses and steel our nerves for what lies ahead. However daunting the task, let us rest assured that the cream will rise to the top, now as always.

When all is said and done and the dust settles, I personally have no doubt that it will be a pair of Sperry topsiders (no socks) that will place themselves firmly on the deck of Victory.

Until next time, this is Barbara “Babs” Parkington saying, “Praise the Lord and pass the G&T!”

_____________________________________________________________

[1] P.L.U. = People Like Us = Preppies. (If you had to look up this footnote, you’re probably not P.L.U.)

Advertisements

4 comments on “Zombie Awareness Goes Prep!!

  1. bunnynoah says:

    Great news! The Preppy Handbook was always a good source of info even – or especially for the non-Preppys! After all, the Real Preppys learned most of these things at their grandparents’ knee. It is reassuring to know that even after the UZA life will go on as it should.

  2. vampyrefangs says:

    bunnynoah: I know exactly what you mean. Lisa Birnbach’s ‘The Official Preppy Handbook’ was a combination bible, survival manual and field guide for me when I attended a rich preppy law school. Unlike “Babs”, I did not have the benefit of being To The Manner Born. I don’t think I would have done as well as I did there without Ms Birnbach’s gentle help and advice. Thank you, Lisa. I owe you so much!

  3. Besch says:

    Between the soon to be starving living (economic collapse) and the hungry reanimated (when the infection spreads from Plumb Is.) it will be a gay all time for the preppies in danger of mastication. Why else would they live in those fortresses of kevlar, adamantine edged in gold and studded with diamonds?

  4. vampyrefangs says:

    Besch: Speaking of adamantine fortresses, have you checked out this place?

    http://all-that-is-interesting.com/post/4956385434/the-first-zombie-proof-house

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s