Whoremaggedon: Rise of the Floombies!


This is one apocalyptic view of the future that few have foreseen!

Bear with me, folks…

Every right-thinking member of society knows that one day… it may not be this week or even this year, but one day… we will be faced with The Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse (TUZA). Zombiephiles and zombologists may quibble about whether the undead will be traditional George Romero (i.e. slow) zombies or the more modern 28 Days Later (i.e. fast) zombies… however the inevitability of TUZA is not really in question.

But… a new chilling aspect of TUZA occurred to me in, of all places, synagogue. Over the last two weekends, we read the sections of the biblical Book of Numbers dealing with the Israelite’s war against the kingdoms of Midian. The Midianites, at the suggestion of the gentile profit Bilaam (spelled Balaam in Christian bibles) tried a new strategy against the Israelites. Rather than send out their soldiers, the Midianites sent out their women! The plan was that the girls would ‘floozy’ their way into getting the Israelite men to hit on them, start sexual relationships with them, intermarry and, over time, the kingdoms of Midian would absorb and thereby defeat the Israelites with their ‘Lust Conquers All’ plan. It was horrifyingly effective and almost worked.

With a sinking feeling of dread, I contemplated the devestating effects if during TUZA some zombies, albeit unconsciously, developed a similar scenario.

Imagine a strain or mutation of female zombies that did not attack and devour men at first but rather showed some semblance of sexual attraction to them. Rather than giving out the usual low chilling lifeless groan of normal ‘decent’ zombies, this promiscuous mutation would produce seductive moans and other sounds of sexual arousal and pleasure.  These new Floozy Zombies… Floombies, if you will… would actually attract human males, enticing the guys to come to them. They would offer themselves as willing sexual partners, the undead sluts!

Really, ladies… give it a moment’s thought. Imagine an attraction at, say, the Arkansas State Fair where there was a huge tent offering such a ‘zombie-love’ experience. Brightly coloured ‘Ride The Floomie!’ signs 10 feet tall all over the fairgrounds! Can you with all honesty say there wouldn’t be a line-up of men a hundred yards long?

Zombieism would spread rapidly much like AIDS in the early eighties. No running, no chasing, no chomping on brains. Just some quick zombie love… and before you know it, Earl and Bubba are turning into the living dead. By the time the world catches on, it’s too late.

Whoremaggedon will be upon us!


6 comments on “Whoremaggedon: Rise of the Floombies!

  1. bunnynoah says:

    “Ride the Floombie”….. every man’s dream! LOL

  2. vampyrefangs says:

    bunnynoah: That’s exactly my point! Given guys’ track record of having sex with just about anything that moves living, dead, undead or living dead… humanity is doomed! We must eradicate the zombie sluts! Fight the Floombies!

  3. renxkyoko says:

    Ahahaha! I’m a girl so I wouldn’t know if I’d get attracted to a zombie slut. But given the male’s attraction to any female, dead and undead, who spread their legs wide open ( Gawd, I’m getting b*tchy again , pardon me ) I wouldn’t be surprised if the zombie plan succeeded.

  4. vampyrefangs says:

    renxkyoko: When the upcoming zombie apocalypse is upon us, we are duty bound to take out the Floombies first! Our survival as a species depends on it!

    Let “Floombies First” be our battle cry! 😉

    • renxkyoko says:

      How do we take them out ? Aha ! it would be easier to take them out while they’re busy with the guys. Zombies nowadays can outrun the living. LOL

      • vampyrefangs says:

        You have it exactly right. Get ’em while they’re busy! Because you can’t really go by what they are wearing when walking the streets (no pun intended), so we need to keep our ears open for that telltale ‘seductive’ (i.e. gross) sound they make… what I call the ‘Whore-moan’. Follow the sound… or the line-up of guys. Once there, you can use your trusty Louisville slugger to give her a ‘lumber massage’ to the head or just take out your pistol and send her to heaven. BTW: Don’t be surprised if her ‘date’ at the time barely notices. Guys can sometimes be really ‘focused’ when ‘Riding the Floombie’! Good luck. And don’t forget to double-tap! 🙂

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