How to Tell if Your Guy is a Zombie!

They’re everywhere these days. On television, in the movies, all throughout the bookstores. Zombies! Do the headlines have you spooked? Are they closer to you than you think?

Trust stands as the basic foundation to a solid relationship, and having your guy turn into a zombie can shake the foundation of a relationship to its core. While your ‘significant other’ will likely not admit openly that he is or is becoming a zombie, there are many simple signs to indicate that your guy is one of the living dead.

Here are some of the surprising clues as to whether your guy may be a zombie.

1. He slacks off on grooming.  “Many guys are not as neat and clean as some of us would like,” admits Sara Buchmeyer, research scientist at the Centre for Disease Control in Atlanta, “But if your guy looks like one of those lepers in an old biblical epic, this may be a warning sign that he’s not the man you met… in more ways than one!”

2. He smells different. “Bad body odour is one thing,” Buchmeyer states, “But if your man smells like the contents of a fridge after a week-long power outage all the time… then you need to find out why, and before you end up as a sidedish!”

3. Nothing fazes him anymore. “If you try to get a ‘normal’ reaction from him but he doesn’t respond no matter what you try,” says Dr. Sarah Pendleton of the Living-Dead Relations Institute, “The ‘silent treatment’, nagging, insults, yelling…forks through the back of the hand. If none of the usual ‘attention seeking tactics’ you normally use have any effect on him, it may not be you… it may be that he has joined the living dead!”

4. He becomes uncommunicative. “Some guys are the strong silent type. But if your guy has gone from monosyllabic to just a series of eerie moans and groans,” Dr Pendleton observes, “he may be telling you he’s gone flat-line!”

5. He’s suddenly more interested in your brains than your looks. “If there is a surefire way to be certain your man is a zombie, it’s this!” concludes former Yale University professor Naomi Glickman, Ph.D. Dr Glickman is also a Fox News TV commentator and author of the controversial study Zombies: A Post Mortem Extention of the American Male Psyche, as well as co-author of the New York Times bestsellers Zombie Skeet: Shooting the Living Dead for Sport and Pleasure and Zombies and the Sad, Pathetic Women Who Say They Love Them. “No matter what a man may tell you, he’s not interested in your mind, your personality, your wit, your charm, your opinions or any of the other things he says to get you into bed. When it comes right down to it, men like the looks, the body, the boobs, the bum. But if all of a sudden, your guy is sniffing your scalp like a Schnauzer after a Snausage… you stand a good chance of being eaten alive. The only alternative is to terminate things… with extreme prejudice!”

Side note: While many local, state/provincial and federal laws in the U.S. and Canada either conflict with each other or are unclear about the legality of destroying a vampyre (e.g. can you be charged with murdering a vampyre since, technically, it’s already dead?), no such lack of clarity exists with zombies. So unless fringe groups pass ‘Zombie Rights’ legislation, you appear to be free to end your relationship in the most permanent way you see fit.


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