The Zombie Serengeti (aka The Walmarts)

You know those wild kingdom nature shows on TV where you have hundreds of thousands of wild animals all in one big giant flat plain land? Think of the opening scene of The Lion King. Zebras, wildebeest, giraffes, elephants, hyenas… got the picture? Odds are you’re looking at the Serengeti.

Well, you don’t have to go to Kenya to find a Serengeti. More than likely you have one a lot closer to you than you think. But it’s populated with a whole ‘nother kind of wild beast.

I’m talking about the Zombie Serengeti. I’m talking about the Walmarts. [1]

Don’t take my word for it. I urge you to get yourself on down to one and have a good look around. Most people tend to tune out other shoppers when they’re down at the Walmarts and with good reason. It’s not a pretty sight, by any means.

But when you go next time… Look. I mean REALLY look. Take in the people who are moving around up and down the aisles. Strolling aimlessly with carts, pulling kids around with them.

Chances are your local Walmarts has been over-run by the living dead and it is now… a Zombie Serengeti.

But before you begin, a few hints…

On your first Zombie Safari, I recommend you try to ‘blend in’ as much as possible. Get that glazed mindless look. Shuffle aimlessly or, if you have the body for it, waddle. Stare off into space. Stand in the middle of an aisle for no apparent reason. Stare at a wall of items for a solid 15 minutes.

Come armed. You never know when things will hit the fan and you don’t want to be caught with your hands in your pockets. If you don’t have anything appropriate with you when you arrive at the Walmarts, I recommend shuffling over to the Sports Section and casually picking up a classic wood Louisville Slugger. If you don’t own one, get one. They’re only about $40.00. A wise investment, I’d say. If you prefer, get yourself some quality gardening tools. A shovel is good but be careful about getting trapped in narrow aisles. Not a lot of swing room there. If things go bad quickly, grab whatever is on hand. Toilet tank lid. Sledge hammer. Axes. Pitchfork. Be creative. And be quick. You don’t want to end up a Zombie Happy Meal your first time out.

OK… you’re armed and ready to rip. Time to explore, Bwana!

Like the wild animals inhabiting the great plain lands of eastern Africa, your local Zombie Serengeti features a wide range of families, genera, species and sub-species. You may not think so when you first look around but the biodiversity is quite remarkable.

As is often the case in the wilds, the females tend to be the hunter-gatherers, so don’t be surprised if zombie women outnumber zombie men. The living dead sometimes operate on residual memory activity from their past and what leaves more residue on your mind than the Walmarts? Young little zombies (zombinis?) tend to wander around the toy departments. Male zombies often congregate around the tool and sporting goods departments. Teen zombies are seen trying to navigate the maze of the DVD and electronic equipment department. Note: Once inside that area, it is sometimes difficult for zombie teens to get out, so there may be quite a crowd stuck in there. Keep on your toes. They’re not all that bright (in death as in life) but they can swarm you in an instant.

The inhabitants of the Zombie Serengeti also seem to preserve whatever class structure existed in their former lives. Redneck zombies, trailer zombies, tween zombies, white-collar and blue-collar zombies, jock and preppy zombies… all seem to maintain, to a certain degree, their socio-economic pecking order. I am fairly certain I once saw a cheerleader zombie snub a stoner zombie. All she needed was a “whatever!” and you’d swear she was still alive. Well, except for the machete lodged in her collarbone.

If you’re feeling cocky, you can stock up on some well-needed supplies in preparation for The Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse. Toilet paper, paper towels, ziplock bags, bottled water, batteries, etc. Don’t take too much, though. Greed and recklessness can lead you to get bogged down with goodies. Remember, you can always come back to the Walmarts later.

Oddly, normal living people seem, at this point, largely unaware of the increasing number of walking corpses among them in the Walmarts. Your advantage over them is that now you are aware of the menace and can act accordingly!

One last thing… Keep the first outing short. The longer you stay, the more likely you’ll end up as a Serengeti side dish. And we don’t want that.

So until next time, keep alert. And nut up or shut up.


[1] Yeah, I know. The name of the place is Walmart. Formerly Wal-Mart. But down in Arkansas, where it was founded and where it still has its headquarters, we call it ‘the Walmarts’, so that is what I call it to this day.


4 comments on “The Zombie Serengeti (aka The Walmarts)

  1. […] ran out to The Zombie Serengeti (aka The Walmarts) as soon as I could and snagged me a […]

  2. […] was making my way stealthily through The Zombie Serengeti (aka The Walmarts)… trying not to alert the shambling horde of living dead to my presence… when I spied a […]

  3. Jason says:

    Hi there, i read your blog occasionally and i own a similar one and i was just wondering if you get a lot of spam feedback?
    If so how do you stop it, any plugin or anything you can recommend?
    I get so much lately it’s driving me insane so any help is very much appreciated.

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