I was approached the other day by a dear friend, Presbyterian minister and local assistant librarian (all the same person, by the way) who asked if I could do a presentation at one of our local libraries on How To Survive The Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse.
Naturally, I was very flattered by her request.
In a nod to “Zombieland”, I’ll insist that there be plenty of Twinkies on hand for those who have the good sense to attend.
As a ‘Noted Zombie Expert’ (that’s how she says she’s going to advertise me), I would be expected to cover some zombie basics. I am going to propose ‘Introduction to Zombies: WTF Are They?’, ‘Zombie Dos and Don’ts’, ‘Survival Training’, ‘Basic Weaponry: Home & Garden Implements’, ‘Intermediate Weaponry: Crossbows & Swords’, and ‘Advanced Weaponry: Kick-Ass Firearms and Explosives.’ Hopefully, these topics will meet with my dear friend’s approval. I suspect she is keeping this lecture more or less under the radar of her superiors at the library.
I predict that the one topic that might encounter a bit of resistance is ‘Decapitation: It’s Harder Than It Looks!’
I envision a delightfully informative and entertaining segment where I call for a volunteer from the audience, preferably a 10 or 11-year-old girl (a certain other dear friend’s granddaughter leaps to mind). I, naturally, will unsheath my trusty razor-sharp katana (full length samurai sword).
The purpose of the segment is pretty self-explanatory.
You see, on television and in the movies beheadings happen with a devil-may-care ease. Reality is, to no one’s surprise, a bit more complicated and difficult. Using my friend’s granddaughter, a charming girl, I will remind the audience of exactly what is going on under that delicate young throat. Muscles, bones (i.e. vertebrae), veins, arteries, windpipe… a lot of stuff to hack through.
And while the girl’s mom, a lovely if somewhat overprotective young woman, may express a bit of concern, the carpet-cleaning expenses alone would make an actual beheading cost-prohibitive.
I would probably end the lecture with a shameless plug that people prepare for The Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse by enrolling in the St Johns Ambulance courses on CPR and First Aid and have their young ones begin their Zombie Survival Training by signing up with The Boy Scouts, The Girl Scouts and the various army, navy and air cadets programs available in the area.
As I am wont to say, “It’s all fun and games… ’til someone eats your brains!”
Be Safe. Be Prepared. And above all… Nut Up or Shut Up!