The Twilight Saga – BREAKING DAWN (Part 2): The Fifth Level of Hell

At last... It’s over. It’s done.

Our long national nightmare is finally over!

Last night, I watched the last… oh Lord, that word never tasted so good in my mouth… The Last Installment of The Twilight Movie Saga – BREAKING DAWN (Part 2)!

[The Twilight Saga - BREAKING DAWN (Part 2) DVD cover]

I suffered through those five movies… a dozen or so hours of my life that I can never get back… and now it is finished.

OK, here’s the deal… Renesmee (Mackenzie Foy and nine or so other actresses who portray Renesmee as she grows up), the half-human half-vampire child of Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) is maturing at an alarming rate. In a matter of a few months, she grows from infant to about 9 years old.

Mayhem ensues when… The Volturi [1] find out about Renesmee. To them, she is an abomination and must be destroyed. Aro (Michael Sheen) and Jane (Dakota Fanning) are particularly enthusiastic about killing the Cullen tot.

My two cents… For all my whining and whinging, Breaking Dawn (Part 2) is not awful. It’s not great but it definitely not dreadful. Unless you’re already a fan of the Twilight Saga, don’t bother seeing this movie. But if you are already a fan, you will probably find Breaking Dawn (Part 2) the best of the bunch.

Bottom line… Not as wretched as I thought it would be.

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[1] The Volturi are the largest, most ancient and most powerful coven of vampires. They enforce the laws of the vampire world. They equivalent of royalty in the vampire world.

I bought the BREAKING DAWN (Part 2) DVD!

I was making my way through the Zombie Serengeti (aka the Walmarts) yesterday, when I noticed the DVD version of Breaking Dawn (Part 2).

I bought one.

Hard as it is for me to believe, this is the last in the Twilight Saga movie franchise.

Our long national nightmare is over!

I suppose I will watch it soon. Probably next week.

Stay tuned!

Vampyra: The Winged Vampyre Kitten

A dear friend of mine forwarded me this photograph and I have been completely dippy about it ever since.

(Vampyra, the winged vampyre kitten)

Is this the cutest thing in the world, or what??

I want one so badly, you’ve no idea!

I will call her Vampyra. And she will be mine and she will be my Vampyra!

The Twilight Saga – BREAKING DAWN (Part 1): The Fourth Level of Hell

Well, I’ve managed to survive the Twilight Saga movie series so far. Let’s see how I make out with the fourth installment, Breaking Dawn (Part 1)!

I have to tell you, I did not think I would make it this far into the series. I don’t know whether to be proud or ashamed.

OK, here goes (according to the DVD blurb)…

A marriage, honeymoon and the birth of a child bring unforeseen and shocking developments for Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) and those they love, including new complications for werewolf, Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner).

(Twi-hards’ dream wedding but where did Bella get that dress living out in the sticks?!)

Mayhem ensues when… Bella gets pregnant like right away… and is ready to deliver in a month or so, that is how fast the pregnancy is progressing. There are severe complications with the pregnancy. The wolf pack gets their fur in a knot because they believe the baby is probably going to be some abomination that won’t be able to control its appetite and will be a danger to all humans around it. They decide to kill the baby. Jacob leaves the pack to protect Bella. Lord knows why.

In this movie, Edward is even more insufferable than ever. Usually, it’s Bella who drives you crazy but in Breaking Dawn (Part 1), Edward gives her a run for her money. What a whiny  pouting, long-faced loser. You almost feel sorry for Bella for having married such a spineless downer of a yutz. Almost.

So how was Breaking Dawn (Part 1) received. I am glad you asked!

RottenTomatoes.com gives it a 25% freshness rating, saying, “Slow, joyless, and loaded with unintentionally humorous moments, Breaking Dawn Part 1 may satisfy the Twilight faithful, but it’s strictly for fans of the franchise.”

Jeff Bayer at The Scorecard Review: Whatever momentum the third film had in this series, it’s gone. Once again, it’s an average soap opera.

Robert Roten at the Laramie Movie Scope: This slow-moving film has long periods of inaction and generates little suspense, making it the worst film in the “Twilight Saga” films so far.

But the reviews weren’t all bad…

Tom Long, Top Critic: There are a few reasons The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 1 is probably the best of the Twilight films.

Bruce Diones, at the New Yorker: This penultimate “Twilight” film is the best in the series so far. It’s languorous, romantic, moody, and, in the end, horrifying.

My two cents… Breaking Dawn (Part 1) solves a lot of the tension issues that make the Cullen/Swan couple such an enormous pain in the tush. Sex, Marriage, Vampirism… they all get settled. What we are left with is Edward and Bella as a married couple and sweet Lord almighty are they tedious. When Bella starts languishing during childbirth, becoming anorexic to the point of looking like a human skeleton, I was cheering for the baby to finish her off once and for all. Alas, it was not to be.

Breaking Dawn (Part 1) is a soapy melodrama. Twi-hards will love it. The whole wedding thing? I could almost see tweens, teens and Twi-hard moms alike drenching Kleenex like they were getting paid for it. I was starting to get used to things in the last movie but this one brings it all crashing down to earth. And was there anyone out there who didn’t know that the movie would end with a close-up of Bella’s new, red vampire eyes?

The bottom line… Breaking Dawn (Part 1) is My Big Fat Boring Vampire Wedding.

Now I figure that most of the angst-producing stuff that gets Edward to furrow his brow and look like he has gas… or that makes Bella… well… look exactly the same no matter what… is taken care of in this movie. Edward didn’t want to have sex and Bella did? They had sex. Bella didn’t want to get married and Edward did? They got married. Edward didn’t want to make Bella a vampire and she did? She’s a vampire.

Gee… I wonder what will happen in Breaking Dawn (Part 2) to make them feel all tortured about who they are and what they want and Lord oh Lord I hope Blade or Buffy or someone with a wooden stake shows up at the end of the next movie and takes care of them both!

Breaking Down (Part 2) opens in theatres November 16, 2012.

The Twilight Saga – NEW MOON: The Second Level of Hell

Last week, after years of putting it off, I watched the movie “Twilight.”

This week, I watched the second in the Twilight Saga series, “New Moon.”

(New Moon – DVD cover)

Once again, I did not burst into flames nor did blood spurt from my eyes.

OK, here it goes (as per the DVD blurb)…

The romance between mortal Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) and vampire Edward Cullen (Robert Pattison) grows more intense as ancient secrets threaten to destroy them. When Edward leaves in an effort to keep Bella safe, she tests fate in increasingly reckless ways in order to glimpse her love once more. But when she’s saved from the brink by her friend Jacob Black (Taylor Lodner), Bella will uncover mysteries of the supernatural world that will put her in more peril then ever before.

Mayhem ensues when… Bella acts like a self-destructive idiot and the supernatural shit starts to hit the fan. As Michael Dequina of TheMovieReport.com observes, “Ostensible heroine Bella is such a weak, needy, pathetic co-dependent who stirs up so much sh*t for those she purportedly loves that it’s hard to muster much rooting interest for her.” Well put.

Simon Miraudo of Quickfliks goes further, describing New Moon as having “excruciatingly lazy storytelling, atrocious performances, listless direction and a core storyline that is both uninteresting and somewhat disturbing.”

RottenTomatoes.com gave it a 28% on the ‘freshness scale.’

My two cents… this movie moves at a glacial pace and is painfully long – a deadly combination in any movie. Add to it the   downcast tone of the film and you get a long, slow downer. Who wouldn’t love that? Well, apparently, may do.  Die-hard Twilight fans will not be disappointed because… well… they have a lot of emotional investment in the franchise already and bring a lot of enthusiasm with them. And New Moon gives them what they want… lots of torturous, self-centred teen angst. Lots of pining and yearning and sexless frustration. Lots of relentlessly shirtless hunky guys.

(The Volturi)

There is one tiny bit of fun that I thoroughly enjoyed. Dakota Fanning as the red-eyed Jane, a member of the Volturi… a kind of vampyre aristocracy that both rules and enforces the law. It’s rather a small part I but had a good time during those scenes.

Bottom line… This movie isn’t about vampyres and werewolves. It’s a ‘woe is me’ lament about the pain of abstinence because your mind is telling you “no, no, no” but your body is telling you “yes, yes, yes!” As for your heart… well… it’s way too busy being whipped and flogged while chained to the bed to care.

Next stop… The Twilight Saga: ECLIPSE! And may G-d have mercy on my soul.

TWILIGHT (the movie): The First Level of Hell

Well, I finally did it.

After having it sit on my computer shelf for almost a year, I finally slapped the DVD of Twilight into the old puter and fired it up.

As I did so, my Catholic school upbringing welled up inside me, bringing with it a half-forgotten snippet of prayer to my lips. “Libera Nos a Malo!” [1]

As you’ve probably pieced together by now, I did not burst into flames upon watching Twilight nor did blood spurt from my eyes.

It’s not a great movie. It is not really a good one, either. But I don’t think it deserves all the crap heaped on it over the last few years.

It’s not horrible. It is not wretched. It did not make me want to pull my head off.

It did make me frustrated and upset. Not because it is insipid and tiresome and BORING (which it is) but because of what it does to my beloved vampyre lore. That is what really kills me about Twilight. An entire generation of young people growing up with this decaffeinated espresso vampyre image.

(Toute la fang gang!)

Sparkling? Doesn’t feed from humans? 100 years old and still hasn’t gotten over the tortured teen angst thing.

Really? Seriously??

What’s the effen point!? Who wants a sanitized, toothless vampyre?

Apparently, lots of people! And that is the sad part of Twilight.

People who’ve drunk only orange-flavoured pop or eaten only margarine think they have an idea of what orange or butter taste like. But those of us who have tasted real freshly squeezed orange juice and real fresh butter can only shake our heads and pity them. They think they know.. but they SO don’t.

I guess that’s what Twilight made me feel most of all. Pity.

Yeah, I guess that’s it.

I don’t hate Twilight fans. I pity them. I feel sorry for them… for all those poor misguided souls who read the books and watch the movies and think they know what the world of vampyres is really like.

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[1] From the Pater Noster. A supplication to the Almighty to “Deliver Us from Evil!”

True Blood: Why I Love Pam

Pam De Beaufort!

What a delicious part!!

The writers of the HBO television show True Blood really outdo themselves when it comes to providing dialogue for Pam, masterfully played by Kristin Bauer.

Here’s a bit of background on the character Pam for those who are not familiar with the program.

A former prostitute during her lifetime, Pam was ‘brought over’ (i.e. made a vampyre) by Eric Northman in the late 1800′s in London, England. She was released from Eric sometime in the early decades of 20th century. She has resided in the USA from the beginning of the last century. After the Great Revelation when vampyres came ‘out of the coffin,’ Eric called for Pam’s service in the newly founded Fangtasia bar in Shreveport, Louisiana.

Nowadays she serves him willfully and is his second-in-command. She has never sired a vampyre.

Here are some of the precious gems that True Blood’s writers have fall from her beautiful, smirking lips.

“I don’t know what it is about me that makes people think I want to hear their problems. Maybe I smile too much. Maybe I wear too much pink. But please remember I can rip your throat out if I need to. And also know that I am not a hooker. That was a long, long time ago.”

“I am so over Sookie and her precious fairy vagina and her unbelievably stupid name. F**k Sookie!”

“I’m gonna shove my fist up your ass and use you as a hand-warmer.”

“Did I miss something? Are we girls now? Did we join a book club and read some queer chick lit memoirs and are bound together by estrogen or sisterhood some other feminist drivel?”

“This is not just about your relationship, you infatuated tween. There’s a bigger picture.”

“Let’s go to the ladies room and stare at ourselves in the mirror.”

Each year, her character becomes stronger, more fleshed out and more interesting… and a lot more fun!

Can’t wait for True Blood Season Five, expected to premiere in June 2012.

Returning April 16th!

Vampyre Fangs continues to be away for Passover.

Look for this award-losing blog to return this coming Monday April 16th!

My Twilight Saga Update

Last year, I wrote how I broke down and bought the Twilight Saga movies.

They’re still sitting there on my computer table where I left them in September. Still unopened. Still in their original cellophane wrappers.

I feel like Pandora… or Bluebeard’s wife. I know I shouldn’t open them. I have a sinking feeling that they hold horrors untold… a sinister evil which has already been unleashed elsewhere upon the world.  I’ve been told time and again that I should not… MUST NOT… allow the Darkness to spread.

And yet… despite the dire warnings of an immedicabile vulnus – an incurable wound, an irreparable injury – not only to my eyes and ears but to my very soul… I hear them calling to me. A faint yet clear siren’s call.

I close my eyes and breathe deeply. I have won another day.

But the box still waits… the locked door still beckons.

Happy New Year!

Hello, my dear little geeks and nerdlings…

A very Happy New Year and a fantastic 2012!

I am presently in Toronto, in The Heart of the Old World (Bathurst Street between Lawrence and Wilson Avenues). There is a small powdering of snow on the ground. It was windy last night but all in all, it looks like a great day. A bit sunny for my particular tastes but you can’t have everything. (‘Where would you put it?’ as Steven Wright would say!)

I just wanted to thank all you dear sweet readers… vampyre and zombie aficionados,  Jews, goths (Jewish goths?), movie lovers, closet entomologists and budding chiropterology buffs out there… who have shown such warm and kind support to me and this blog through 2011.

Talk to you soon!

VF

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