Season’s Eatings: A Very Zombie Xmas!

Well, boys and girls, geeks and nerdlings… It’s that time of year again.

Time to huddle ’round with our friends and loved ones. Time to sip the egg nog, roast chestnuts on an open fire and imprint as many of these festive holiday memories onto the old lobes and cortices before the stuff really hits the fan and we are all slogging knee-deep through The Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse.

During WWZ [1], eggnog may be in short supply, admittedly, but that’s no reason to be glum. Silver linings abound, folks. For example, pine trees will be popping up just about everywhere, I assure you. And imagine the warm and fuzzy feeling you’ll get knowing that just about every present you’ll be receiving will be hand-made!

And, after the initial months of ruckus and hullabaloo, it’s a pretty safe bet that every night will be a Silent Night.

Speaking of night-time, without all that annoying urban electrical glare and ‘light pollution’ muddying things up, just think of how bright and clear the heavenly host of celestial bodies will appear to our wondering post-apocalyptic eyes!

Hectic last minute Xmas shopping will be a thing of the past, quite literally. If you find a secure mall or store, you can browse and select items at your leisure. No fuss, no jostling through mobs of customers, no stress. Well, no additional stress, anyway.

So, as you’re nestled all snug in your bed while visions of sugar plums dance in your head, don’t give a second thought to Zombie-Yule. Everything’s going to be all right!

Scary Xmas to All… and to All a Good Fright!

____________________________________________________________

[1] WWZ = World War Z (aka The Zombie War, aka The Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse)

The Walking Dead… Halfway through Season Two

The other night, I watched the last episode of the first half of Season Two of The Walking Dead, including its dramatic and powerful final scene.

HALF-TIME SCORE…

You’re welcome!

The series will go on hiatus, and then return on February 12, 2012, when the final six episodes of Season Two will begin airing.

I SO can’t wait!!

_____________________________________________________________

Zombies Are Just One Big Cootie: A child’s view of the living dead

At St. Mary of the Assumption Elementary School, Mrs. Graves’s kindergarten class was fairly unanimous in their disapproval.

“Zombies are just one big cootie,” says Stephanie, her freckled nose crinkling.

“Zombies are slow and ugly and not so smart,” observes Michael.

“They make me want to throw up,” confesses Kelly-Anne, shaking her young head sadly.

(Zombie princesses)

Things weren’t much different at Mrs. Matseyve’s first grade class at the Upper West Hebrew Academy.

“Everybody hates zombies. They’re gross!” states Tamar emphatically.

“Maybe if they looked nicer and didn’t try to eat you, people wouldn’t run away from them so much,” suggests Dvorah-Leah.

“They make creepy moany noises,” observes Rivki, her face in a frown. “Nobody likes that, especially at night.”

The second grade children at P.S. 6 did not diverge from what was fast becoming almost a mantra among the youngest amongst us.

“I wish they would just go away. I’m bored of all the zombie stuff!” exclaims Madison.

“Zombies are icky. Vampyres are much better,” admits Claire.

How is it that such a profound prejudice is ingrained in our children at such a young age?

(Zombie boy)

We asked clinical psychologist and misozombia [1] expert Aaron David Shtarben, Psy.D, at Bellevue Hospital Centre in Manhattan.

“What we’re seeing more and more in young children,” Dr. Shtarben says, “is something much greater than a normal and healthy wariness of the living dead. We’re observing behaviour and speech consistent with an almost pathological fear and an intense hatred far out of proportion to the danger actually posed to children.”

Dr. Shtarben indicates that such deep-seated ‘fear and loathing’ of zombies among children is spreading rapidly through our culture and shows little sign of abating.

How can we stop this? Some experts have proposed a possible solution.

“Parents should be particularly careful in projecting a fair and balanced image to their children,” advises child psychiatrist Dr. Isaac Nifter of the Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto. “Especially when children are at a young and impressionable age, it is incumbent upon the parents to ensure that negative stereotypes aren’t imprinted on their children’s minds. And this goes double when talking about the Life-Challenged.”

As the old song goes, you’ve got to be taught to hate and fear.

(Is this the face of our dystopian future?)

Back at the Upper West Hebrew Academy, I spoke with a Junior Kindergarten student, 4-year-old Rachel. “They’re schtunky!” she giggles, her little fingers covering her wide smile, her twinkling blue eyes barely concealing the venom and vitriol bubbling within her, just under the surface.

To see such unbridled abhorence in one so young chilled this writer to the bone.

______________________________________________________________

[1] Misozombia: An intense dislike, hatred, disgust or aversion  regarding zombies. This is not to be confused with Zombiphobia: An abnormal or pathological fear of zombies. For more zombie-related words and expressions, see The Zombie Lexicon: A Living Dead Language Guide.

Bad Vampyre Relationship Stories!

Sick of everyone using Facebook and Twitter as a forum for bragging about their amaazing boyfriend – fiance – husband – S.O? Does all this relationship bliss make you want to gag?

Look no further… this is for you! We got our readers to take to social media and share the #RelationshipFail they’ll never forget.

“Asked how old he was – i.e. when was he ‘made.’ He said ‘Thursday!’ EJECT!”  –@CryptLvr

“Met Travolta/SNF type at H’ween party. Turns out he was made in ’77. That’s how he looks all the time now. FAIL!” –@Drucilla

“I said ‘I love you’ first and he goes, ‘I know’. WTF is that?” –@gothgrrl92

“Took him out his first time for sushi. Waitress brings chopsticks. He screams & runs away. Check, please!” –@atsuko666

“Applying make-up in front of mirror. Comes up behind me & touches shoulder. Lipstick across cheek to my ear! SO not funny!” –@HunterGreen

“I had Caesar salad before our 1st kiss – and he throws up in my car!!” –@Jasime

“Walked me to my door. Daddy saw red eyes glowing in dark. Thought bf was coyote & shot him. Awkward!” –@PatsyKake

“Found out new bf slept in coffin… with his mom. Wrong on so many levels!” –@VampB8

“Cute young guy takes me for midnight stroll… and bites my pet dog! Eeww!” –@CougrLdy

“Two words: Orthodontic retainer. Yeuch!” –KylaMarie

Read more:

Bad Relationship Stories: Dealing with a Bad Vampyre Boyfriend – Fangbanger magazine;

When He Becomes a Pain in the Neck: Dumping the Undead – You’re So Vein blog;

Cheating Vampyre BFs: The Cross We Bear – Coffin Counselors blog;

Blood vs. Brains : Vampyre or Zombie – Which is Right for You! – Cosmopolitan.

______________________________________________________________

I will be out of town from Wed. Nov. 16 until Mon. Nov. 21. See you when I return!

The Zombie Lexicon: A Living Dead Language Guide

The following are a few excerpts from my work-in-progress, The Zombie Lexicon: A Living Dead Language Guide.[1]

Apocalypso: (combination of Apocalypse and Calypso) A style of Afro-Caribbean zombie music that originated in Trinidad and Tobago from African and Asian zombie roots.

Floombie: (combination of Floozie and Zombie) Extremely dangerous strain of mutant female zombies who emit erotic moans and groans, attracting human males and spreading the infection through sexual intercourse. [2]

Misozombia: An intense dislike, hatred, disgust or aversion  regarding zombies.

Mombie (also ‘Mumbie): What your mother becomes when she joins the living dead. [3]

Zambi: An American animated film by Walt Disney about a young fawn born and raised in the forest. Its mother is shot by hunters and eventually the young deer grows up… and becomes a zombie.

Z-Party Movement, The (aka The Zee Party): A political movement in support of civil rights for zombies.

Zom Beam: Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey, with a twist of zombie.

Zom-B-Gone: A general catch-all phrase descriptive of any effective anti-zombie weapon or tactic.

Zomb Pérignon: A brand of vintage champagne, named after Dom Pérignon (1638–1715), a Benedictine monk, an important pioneer in the quality development of Champagne wine… and a zombie.

Zomba: A dance with movements resembling those of zombies.

Zombaione: An Italian light custard dessert made from egg yolks, sugar, sweet wine and frozen puréed brains.

Zombardier: (pronounced zom-BAR-dee-ay) A Canadian Ski-Doo snowmobile specifically modified for hunting zombies in winter.

Zombass: (combination of Zombie and Dumbass) Someone so stunned and stupid, he or she might as well be a zombie.

Zombeagle: Even Snoopy is not safe from the Zombie Apocalypse!

Zombese: 1. The purported ‘language’ of the zombies.  2. A series of eerie moans, groans and other zombie sounds which is claimed by some to be capable of being understood and interpreted.

Zombia: A proposed country to be established as a zombie homeland. (also Zombistan)

Zombiphobia: An abnormally intense or pathological fear of zombies.

Zombie-Nimble: Children’s nursery rhyme game where they recite “Zombie-Nimble, Zombie-Quick. Zombie… Aaiieee! Zombies!!” then run around screaming ‘Zombies!’ as loudly as they can, waving their arms in the air.

Zombilicious: Anything or anyone that is extremely tasty or attractive to a zombie.

Zombistan: (see Zombia)

Zombocrat: A derogatory term for anyone who supports or advocates on behalf of Zombie Rights (See Z-Party)

Zomboni: Large resurfacer machine, originally used to clean and smooth ice rinks, outfitted for hunting, chasing and running down zombies over frozen rivers and lakes.

Zomboozle: To confuse, confound or bewilder a zombie long enough to kill it or effect an escape.

Zombrero: A wide-brimmed hat originally from Mexico and favoured by Chicano zombies.

Zombro: A male African-American zombie.

Zumbie: Even Gumby isn’t safe from the Zombie Apocalypse.

Zumbo:  An American animated film by Walt Disney about a young elephant with large ears, born and raised in the circus. Its mother is locked up and deemed mad. Eventually, the young elephant learns to use its ears to fly… and becomes a zombie.

Zumbo wrestling: A highly illegal Japanese competitive full-contact sport where one wrestler attempts to force another wrestler out of a circular ring… and into a pit of zombies.

______________________________________________________________

[1] Please feel free to submit your own entries and I will include them! All images here are not mine and I do not claim ownership of any of them. Copyright remains with the creators and/or owners thereof.

[2] See Whoremaggedon: Rise of the Floomies!

[3] “It’s our inability to guiltlessly murder loved ones that will bring about our ultimate downfall.”  (Cracked.com, After Hours)