I’d read J.R.R. Tolkien’sThe Hobbit when I was in my final year of college. I confess, looking back on it now, it seems that particular stage of my life was a kind of daydream, peopled with characters not unlike a Tolkien novel.
But I digress somewhat.
I am going to presume that everyone reading this article knows all (or enough) about J.R.R Tolkien’s Middle-earth trilogy, The Lord of the Rings and its ‘prequel’ novel, as it were, The Hobbit. It would just be too difficult explaining this vast, intricate and complex fictional world to a total newbie. Sorry. If you’ve never before encountered hobbits, orcs, ringwraiths, dwarves, elves or ents, that’s just too bad. If you’ve never heard of The Shire, Mirkwood, Lothlórien, Rivendell, Gondor, Moria or Mordor, I feel sorry for you. If you have no idea who Gandalf, Bilbo, Frodo, Smaug, Gollum, Galadriel, Lord Elrond, Saruman the White or Thorin Oakenshield are, you are all the poorer for it.
And… if you don’t know what The One Ring is or was… I pity you.
There.
Now, on with the movie! Or rather, the first installment of what is to be the Hobbit film trilogy. [1]
OK, here’s the deal… as per The Gospel According to Warner Brothers…
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey follows title character Bilbo Baggins, who is swept into an epic quest to reclaim the lost Dwarf Kingdom of Erebor, which was long ago conquered by the dragon Smaug. Approached out of the blue by the wizard Gandalf the Grey, Bilbo finds himself joining a company of thirteen dwarves led by the legendary warrior Thorin Oakenshield. Although their goal lies to the East and the wastelands of the Lonely Mountain, first they must escape the goblin tunnels, where Bilbo meets the creature that will change his life forever… Gollum. Here, alone with Gollum, on the shores of an underground lake, the unassuming Bilbo Baggins not only discovers depths of guile and courage that surprise even him, he also gains possession of Gollum’s “precious” …a simple, gold ring that is tied to the fate of all Middle-earth in ways Bilbo cannot begin to know. — (C) Warner Bros
Mayhem ensues when… well, pretty much from the start, really. As soon as Bilbo decides to join Galdalf and the dwarves on their quest, it pretty well goes from one frying pan into an even larger frying pan into the fire then into an even larger fire, and so on and so forth.
Visually, it is stunningly beautiful. The sets, costumes, props, CGI effects, everything is simply gorgeous. The cast is also well-chosen and well-played, including several of the cast members from The Lord of the Rings films. The novel The Hobbit was written primarily for young people and it shows in the film adaptation. Parts of it are silly and cutesy. There are songs in several scenes. I found them annoying in the book and I found them equally annoying in the movie.
The problem with films that are intended to be a franchise is that there is a burden on the first movie to set up the next two. Not that The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is the ‘Basil Exposition’ [2] of the Hobbit trilogy. But still. Some things need to be laid out.
My two cents… Good movie. I really did enjoy myself. And even though I think that making The Hobbit (not the longest book in the world) into a trilogy may end up being a miscalculation, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is definitely worth watching and appreciating for its own sake.
The bottom line… Good movie. If you loved The Lord of the Rings movies, you’re going to like this one. Glad the next one is coming in December and that we only have to wait until summer 2014 for the third one. Let’s hope they match and exceed our expectations.
[1] The second installment, The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug, is scheduled to be released December 14, 2013 and the last installment, The Hobbit: There and Back Again, is set for release in the summer of 2014.
It’s kind of refreshing when a new horror movie has genuinely suspenseful scenes and some truly decent scary moments.
Such is the case with Sinister, the 2012 supernatural horror thriller from Jason Bloom, the producer of the Paranormal Activity films and Scott Derrickson, the writer-director of The Exorcism of Emily Rose. Deliciously creepy and had me on the edge of my seat more than once.
OK, here’s the deal… Ethan Hawke plays a true crime novelist who moves into a house that was the scene of a gruesome multiple murder. He discovers a box of mysterious, disturbing homemade snuff movies that plunge his family into a nightmarish experience of supernatural horror. The more the writer discovers about the horrific murders, the more the evil entity behind it all grows and becomes stronger.
Mayhem ensues… when the supernatural ritual/serial killer starts taking over the writer, the house and his family.
Found footage, 8mm film, digital videos, photos, hallucinations, sleep walking, night terrors, writer in a new home looking at some old images and going nuts because a supernatural evil is taking over the place (think The Shining), the impending doom of someone who has watched the wrong movie (think The Ring). Yes, Sinister does incorporate many elements from previous movies but it still manages to put together a scary tale that is sure to give you more than a few goosebumps.
RottenTomatoes.com gives Sinister a 63% freshness rating. Normally, this is, to me, a bad sign. If a movie has a high rating, I usually love it. If it has a really low rating, I usually love it. I rarely enjoy movies that get the equivalent of a C average. Sinister is an exception. Ethan Hawke is very good as the writer. The horror atmosphere of the movie is almost always dark. Literally. Even when the lights are on, the house seems to be shrouded in darkness. [1]
I do have to admit that the ‘evil supernatural force’ schtick is a bit stupid but you can’t have everything.
My two cents… Sinister is by no means a great horror movie. It’s more creepy than scary. But if you want something to get the old ticker going, this may be the one for you.
Bottom line… Perfectly decent popcorn horror movie. Great to watch with a gf/bf/date [1] who appreciates a good scare,
[1] And while we’re on the subject, why doesn’t anyone in this film turn on the lights when they walk into a dark room? Seriously, for the whole movie people are stumbling around in the dark for no reason.
[2] Speaking of dates, I am most likely dating myself with the use of the word ‘date.’ Does anyone date anymore? Please advise.
I remember watching the old 1990 version with Arnold Schwarzenegger. It was cool. I also remember hearing that they originally planned on casting Matthew Broderick in the lead role because they wanted the lead to be the most unlikely spy ever. Instead they went with a big box-office name whom no one was surprised to discover was actually some top spy.
One of the things I liked best about the 2012 remake (with Colin Farrell, Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Biel) was that Colin Farrell did seem like some grubby, scruffy factory worker.
A lot of critics complained that there was too much action/effects and not enough plot. I disagree. The plot was simple. Bored guy wants something exciting in his life. Decides to go to Rekall (‘Tell us your fantasy, We’ll make it real’), a company that will implant the memory of what you want your adventure/fantasy/vacation to be. Turns out, he’s already had a memory implanted. It’s his own life. Turns out ordinary scruffy factory worker is actually a real-live spy turned insurgent and what he thinks is his life is the implanted memory. In actual fact, he’s like the world’s greatest secret agent ever.
The action scenes were fantastic. The special effects eye-popping. Check it out. I liked it a lot.
Both the 1990 and 2012 film adaptations of Total Recall are based on “We Can Remember It for You Wholesale” - a short story by Philip K. Dick first published in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction in April 1966. The book too is also worth a look!
Resident Evil: Retribution
I hate writing this. I pains me. Why? Because I am in love with Milla Jovovich. Always have been. Always will be.
Resident Evil: Retribution is everything that everyone said about Total Recall (2012). It doesn’t live up to its predecessor. It’s all action and no plot. It’s just an excuse to slap together a lot of special effects and fight scenes. It even has the old ‘imprinted fake memory’ shtick.
Yes. Yes. It’s true. It’s all true!
But it has, for me, one redeeming quality. Milla Jovovich in a tight black PVC outfit. I can watch the entire movie with the sound off and still get all breathless and weak at the knees every time she’s on the screen (or in my case, the computer monitor).
I don’t care that the plot sucks. I don’t care that the special effects are the main excuse for the movie. I don’t care that the film is basically a real-life version of a computer game. I just… don’t… care.
(Could be zombies. Could be fans from Comic-Con. Hard to tell sometimes)
Milla Jovovich as Alice. That is the only ingredient I need.
So say what you will about the movie. I’ll probably agree with almost all of it. But it doesn’t matter to me. Just like it doesn’t matter that Underworld: Awakening was bad. It has Kate Beckinsale in tight leather and PVC!!
It’s like I can’t think or process any information after that point. I’m helpless.
(“My name is Alice. I worked for the Umbrella Corporation”)
My mind shuts off. My eyes widen… and my heart belongs to her. There is nothing else.
Saw a few movies which were basically more of the same. Which isn’t a bad thing, really.
They were good. I liked them a lot.
But when it comes down to it, they were… well… more of the same.
(The Dark Knight Rises)
If you are a fan of this trilogy, you will not be disappointed in The Dark Knight Rises… the last installment. It may not have a villain as deliciously brilliant as Heath Ledger’s Joker… but it does have Anne Hathaway at Catwoman, and that ain’t bad.
(Men in Black 3)
Men in Black 3 is perhaps the most ‘more of the same’ of the three movies I saw this weekend. Josh Brolin as young K is a hoot. If you love the Men in Black franchise, you’re going to love this one too.
(The Avengers)
This is a great idea. Take a bunch of Marvel superheroes. Give them each a movie. Then roll all of the characters into one big epic smash ‘em up blockbuster. If you love Robert Downey Jr as Iron Man (and who doesn’t?) and Scarlett Johanssen as Agent Romanov (and who doesn’t?) and every other Marvel character in the other movies… then The Avengers is just the flick for you!
I like Edgar Allen Poe, especially his short horror stories. Not everyone knows that Edgar Allen Poe basically created the detective thriller genre. And this is what we have at the heart of The Raven… Poe himself involved in a detective thriller, with the killer using Poe’s stories as inspiration for the murders.
Here’s the blurb…The macabre and lurid tales of Edgar Allan Poe are vividly brought to life – and death – in this stylish, gothic thriller starring John Cusack as the infamous author. When a madman begins committing horrific murders inspired by Poe’s darkest works, a young Baltimore detective (Luke Evans) joins forces with Poe in a quest to get inside the killer’s mind in order to stop him from making every one of Poe’s brutal stories a blood chilling reality. A deadly game of cat and mouse ensues, which escalates when Poe’s love (Alice Eve) becomes the next target. Intrepid Pictures’ The Raven also stars Brendan Gleeson and Oliver Jackson-Cohen.
OK, here’s the deal… American poet Edgar Allen Poe is broke and down on his luck in Baltimore, in 1849.
Mayhem ensues… when a serial killer uses Poe’s tales as inspiration for his murders. The police enlist Poe’s help. Serial killer kidnaps Poe’s love and buries her alive, taunting Poe and the police with clues left on (or in) a series of murder victims.
My two cents… It’s basically a gothic version of ‘Law & Order.’ It’s ‘Saw’ meets ‘Sherlock Holmes!’
The movie looks great. The costumes, sets, props… everything is wonderful. Even Cusack as Poe (with a goatee instead of just the trademark Poe mustache) is sufficiently and wonderfully pale and fevered both at the same time. The acting is good too, in my opinion.
But the movie fails to grip me. I want Poe to grab me and never let me go until the last ghastly minute. And this movie doesn’t do it. The elements are all there but somehow it just falls short. And I am not even sure why.
The guys over at RottenTomatoes.com were also whelmed. 22% on the freshness scale but with 48% approval rating.
“The subject matter screams out for cleverness and depth, the sort of mind-bending twists and satisfying darkness that Poe himself would love. It finds them only in small doses.” (John Wenzel, Denver Post)
“Basically a well-researched but formulaic mystery centered on one of those nyah-nyah serial killers we’ve seen a thousand times.” (Rafer Guzman, Newsday)
“Director James McTeigue has no feel for humor or terror, making what could have been a witty pastiche into another cheesy slice-and-dice horror flick.” (Colin Covert, Minneapolis Star Tribune)
That seems to be the general tone of many of the reviews. “It could have been… should have been… so wonderful. But they blew it!”
The premise of The Raven, the cast, the production values, all had such great potential. This movie should have been great. It should have been riveting. It would have been a real tribute to Poe and his invention… the detective thriller. But it isn’t. And the sense of disappointment is tangible.
Bottom line… You’re better off curling up with a copy of The Complete Works of Edgar Allen Poe.
Well, I’ve managed to survive the Twilight Saga movie series so far. Let’s see how I make out with the fourth installment, Breaking Dawn (Part 1)!
I have to tell you, I did not think I would make it this far into the series. I don’t know whether to be proud or ashamed.
OK, here goes (according to the DVD blurb)…
A marriage, honeymoon and the birth of a child bring unforeseen and shocking developments for Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) and those they love, including new complications for werewolf, Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner).
(Twi-hards’ dream wedding but where did Bella get that dress living out in the sticks?!)
Mayhem ensues when… Bella gets pregnant like right away… and is ready to deliver in a month or so, that is how fast the pregnancy is progressing. There are severe complications with the pregnancy. The wolf pack gets their fur in a knot because they believe the baby is probably going to be some abomination that won’t be able to control its appetite and will be a danger to all humans around it. They decide to kill the baby. Jacob leaves the pack to protect Bella. Lord knows why.
In this movie, Edward is even more insufferable than ever. Usually, it’s Bella who drives you crazy but in Breaking Dawn (Part 1), Edward gives her a run for her money. What a whiny pouting, long-faced loser. You almost feel sorry for Bella for having married such a spineless downer of a yutz. Almost.
So how was Breaking Dawn (Part 1) received. I am glad you asked!
RottenTomatoes.com gives it a 25% freshness rating, saying, “Slow, joyless, and loaded with unintentionally humorous moments, Breaking Dawn Part 1 may satisfy the Twilight faithful, but it’s strictly for fans of the franchise.”
Jeff Bayer at The Scorecard Review: Whatever momentum the third film had in this series, it’s gone. Once again, it’s an average soap opera.
Robert Roten at the Laramie Movie Scope: This slow-moving film has long periods of inaction and generates little suspense, making it the worst film in the “Twilight Saga” films so far.
But the reviews weren’t all bad…
Tom Long, Top Critic: There are a few reasons The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 1 is probably the best of the Twilight films.
Bruce Diones, at the New Yorker: This penultimate “Twilight” film is the best in the series so far. It’s languorous, romantic, moody, and, in the end, horrifying.
My two cents… Breaking Dawn (Part 1) solves a lot of the tension issues that make the Cullen/Swan couple such an enormous pain in the tush. Sex, Marriage, Vampirism… they all get settled. What we are left with is Edward and Bella as a married couple and sweet Lord almighty are they tedious. When Bella starts languishing during childbirth, becoming anorexic to the point of looking like a human skeleton, I was cheering for the baby to finish her off once and for all. Alas, it was not to be.
Breaking Dawn (Part 1) is a soapy melodrama. Twi-hards will love it. The whole wedding thing? I could almost see tweens, teens and Twi-hard moms alike drenching Kleenex like they were getting paid for it. I was starting to get used to things in the last movie but this one brings it all crashing down to earth. And was there anyone out there who didn’t know that the movie would end with a close-up of Bella’s new, red vampire eyes?
The bottom line… Breaking Dawn (Part 1) is My Big Fat Boring Vampire Wedding.
Now I figure that most of the angst-producing stuff that gets Edward to furrow his brow and look like he has gas… or that makes Bella… well… look exactly the same no matter what… is taken care of in this movie. Edward didn’t want to have sex and Bella did? They had sex. Bella didn’t want to get married and Edward did? They got married. Edward didn’t want to make Bella a vampire and she did? She’s a vampire.
Gee… I wonder what will happen in Breaking Dawn (Part 2) to make them feel all tortured about who they are and what they want and Lord oh Lord I hope Blade or Buffy or someone with a wooden stake shows up at the end of the next movie and takes care of them both!
Breaking Down (Part 2) opens in theatres November 16, 2012.
Last month, after years of putting it off, I began watching the Twilight Saga movies.
I’ve not read the books nor do I intend to read them.
This weekend, I watched the third in the Twilight Saga series, “Eclipse.”
Once again, I did not burst into flames nor did blood spurt from my eyes. I think I am building up a resistance.
OK, here goes (as per Jeremy Wheeler, at Rovi)…
The third film in the Twilight series explores a love triangle between Bella (Kristen Stewart), Edward (Robert Pattinson), and Jacob (Taylor Lautner) as the werewolf pack and the Cullen clan join together to fight a new breed of vampires. Melissa Rosenberg provides the screenplay for the Summit Entertainment adaptation of Stephenie Meyer’s best-selling novel, with director David Slade calling the shots behind the camera. Bryce Dallas Howard joins the cast as Victoria, the role originally played by Rachelle Lefevre in the first film.
Riveting stuff, eh?
(He’s getting sparkly!)
Bella Swan continues to act like an idiot, wanting to be turned into a vampyre but somehow balking at marrying the decaf cappuccino of vampyre fiction, Edward Cullen, and Edward Cullen continues to act like an idiot by not wanting to turn Bella into a vampyre but somehow wanting him and Bella to spend the rest of their lives together notwithstanding the fact that during the course of the last three movies, she has already become older than he is.
Mayhem ensues when… the Seattle murders catch the attention of the Volturi – the vampyre aristocracy and ruling class – who commanded that Edward turn Bella into a vampyre. See above paragraph as to why the two dimwits haven’t done this already. Oh and by the way, seriously ticked-off vampyre Victoria is très fromaged at Bella and tries to exact revenge on her for being responsible for the death of Victoria’s boyfriend (he’s killed in the first movie)
Reviews for Eclipse have generally been much more favourable than for the first two movies.
Lisa Kennedy at the Denver Post – “While the new Eclipse remains foremost a flick for devotees, it has sturdier pleasures and takes on its emotional ambitions with renewed dedication.”
Tim Martain at The Mercury – “Eclipse reinvigorates the Twilight saga, giving the fans what they want as well as being good enough to keep casual viewers interested.”
Katarina Vangopolous at MovieDex – “Eclipse surprises with (much needed) improvement; the first real blockbuster of the franchise.”
(I was cheering for Victoria [Bryce Dallas Howard] at this point! “Do it, Victoria! Do it!”)
To say Eclipse enjoyed only rave reviews is to toy with the truth.
Rafer Guzman at Newsday – “In a rare moment of insight, the teenage but immortal vampires in The Twilight Saga: Eclipse complain about being “frozen” in their lives, unable to “move forward.” So is everyone involved in this deathtrap of a franchise.”
Brian Orndorf (BrianOrndorf.com): “It’s interesting to see each film make Bella into an even bigger creep than previously imagined, with Eclipse turning the indecisive heroine into a mean-spirited provocateur unworthy of all the attention lavished on her.”
(Dakota Fanning as the delicious red-eyed Jane of the Volturi)
My two cents… Saying that Eclipse is the best film in ‘The Twilight Saga’ so far isn’t exactly lavishing praise on the movie. The fundamental flaw was and remains Bella Swan, both the character and Kristen Stewart’s portrayal of her. I can see teen girls swooning over the male characters every time they take off their shirts (which is rather often, really) and joining Team Edward or Team Jacob with the alacrity usually associated with American Civil War’s initial volunteers… but Bella isn’t a very nice or even interesting person. It becomes harder and harder for me to see why the other characters in the movie are so dippy about her, let alone audience members.
As for the story line and film production, it’s generally not bad, which I did not expect to find in the Twilight Saga.
Bottom line… Twilight fans will love it and the casual observers will not be put off by it. In fact, they might even become interested in sticking around for the next movie. And the next.
Last week, after years of putting it off, I watched the movie “Twilight.”
This week, I watched the second in the Twilight Saga series, “New Moon.”
(New Moon – DVD cover)
Once again, I did not burst into flames nor did blood spurt from my eyes.
OK, here it goes (as per the DVD blurb)…
The romance between mortal Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) and vampire Edward Cullen (Robert Pattison) grows more intense as ancient secrets threaten to destroy them. When Edward leaves in an effort to keep Bella safe, she tests fate in increasingly reckless ways in order to glimpse her love once more. But when she’s saved from the brink by her friend Jacob Black (Taylor Lodner), Bella will uncover mysteries of the supernatural world that will put her in more peril then ever before.
Mayhem ensues when… Bella acts like a self-destructive idiot and the supernatural shit starts to hit the fan. As Michael Dequina of TheMovieReport.com observes, “Ostensible heroine Bella is such a weak, needy, pathetic co-dependent who stirs up so much sh*t for those she purportedly loves that it’s hard to muster much rooting interest for her.” Well put.
Simon Miraudo of Quickfliks goes further, describing New Moon as having “excruciatingly lazy storytelling, atrocious performances, listless direction and a core storyline that is both uninteresting and somewhat disturbing.”
RottenTomatoes.com gave it a 28% on the ‘freshness scale.’
My two cents… this movie moves at a glacial pace and is painfully long – a deadly combination in any movie. Add to it the downcast tone of the film and you get a long, slow downer. Who wouldn’t love that? Well, apparently, may do. Die-hard Twilight fans will not be disappointed because… well… they have a lot of emotional investment in the franchise already and bring a lot of enthusiasm with them. And New Moon gives them what they want… lots of torturous, self-centred teen angst. Lots of pining and yearning and sexless frustration. Lots of relentlessly shirtless hunky guys.
(The Volturi)
There is one tiny bit of fun that I thoroughly enjoyed. Dakota Fanning as the red-eyed Jane, a member of the Volturi… a kind of vampyre aristocracy that both rules and enforces the law. It’s rather a small part I but had a good time during those scenes.
Bottom line… This movie isn’t about vampyres and werewolves. It’s a ‘woe is me’ lament about the pain of abstinence because your mind is telling you “no, no, no” but your body is telling you “yes, yes, yes!” As for your heart… well… it’s way too busy being whipped and flogged while chained to the bed to care.
Next stop… The Twilight Saga: ECLIPSE! And may G-d have mercy on my soul.
I watched the much-anticipated Season 5 Finale of True Blood and I am still reeling!
Without giving a blow-by-blow description of each scene…
Oh, screw it… here’s a blow-by-blow description of each scene!!
WARNING!! MAJOR SPOILER ALERT!!
READ NO FURTHER IF YOU DON’T WANT ANY PLOT GIVE-AWAYS!!
TRUE BLOOD: SEASON 5 FINALE
And we’re off…
Opening (Fairy Field/Nightclub): Russell Edgington sees the invisible nightclub. Fairies blast him with light. He just laughs and pushes forward as Steve Newlin watches. Fairy light pushes Russell back… right onto the stake held by Eric Northman! Russell Edgington dies. Steve Newlin flees. Eric: “Well, that felt even better than I thought it would.”
Fairy Field: Sookie runs out of nightclub and onto field after Jason (who was knocked away by fairy light). Nora shows up. “What is that amazing smell?” Nora chases after Sookie. Eric catches Nora by hair and makes her swear not to feed on Sookie. Jason comes to but hallucinates seeing his mother, not Sookie.
Authority HQ: Bill outside Lilith’s shrine. A naked Sam Merlotte is brought in as Bill’s ‘breakfast.’ Sam says he and Luna are at the Authority only to find Luna’s daughter, Emma. Bill says Sam knows too much. Sam shifts into fly and disappears through ventilation duct.
Fangtasia: Pam tells Eric and Nora that the Authority has Pam. Eric hauls out all of the money hidden in a basement wall. Plans to go to the Authority to rescue Pam.
Sookie’s House: Sookie on couch talking with Jason while Jason’s hallucinating his parents sitting on either side of Sookie. Bill, Nora and Tara burst into the house. Eric tells Sookie that Bill was behind the True Blood factory bombings. Asks Sookie for help in rescuing Pam, Jessica and, if possible, Bill, since Sookie is the only one who might get through to Bill. Sookie says OK. Jason agrees to come along at the suggestion of his hallucinated father in order to kill as many vampyres as he can.
Authority HQ: Bill reprimands Security Team and orders them to scour building looking for mice, flies, cockroaches… anything that might be Sam and Luna… and kill them. Salome asks Bill if he has seen Chancellor Akinjide. Bill admits killing him and tells Salome that Lilith appeared to him. Bill lies and says Lilith told him that Salome was the chosen one and that he was to serve and protect Salome.
Authority Cells: Dozens of naked people being held as food for the Authority, including Luna and Emma (in wolf cub form). Sam appears, tells Luna that Bill is crazy and that if they come for her, she should shift and get out. Luna doesn’t want to leave Emma but Sam convinces her (vampyres don’t feed from wolves). He shifts into fly and leaves.
Authority Cells: Pam and Jessica discuss the rise of the fundamentalist Saguinista movement.
Jackson Herveaux’s Trailer: Alcide’s dad talks about how hard it is for parents to teach their kids how screwed up the world is. Alcide says he’s heard it all before. Emma’s grandmother Martha pulls up in her car with Rikki in the back seat screaming. Pack master JD Carson made Rikki drink vampyre blood (V). Rikki freaking out. Martha is afraid she may have OD’d.
Authority Air Vents: Sam flies through ventilation system, looks through ceiling vent and sees Bill in bed with Salome.
The Stake House: Jason and Sookie go to the anti-vampyre weapons shop to stock up on supplies. Jason continues to hallucinate that his parents are with him and encouraging him to kill all vampyres.
Jackson Herveaux’s Trailer: Rikki’s going through a bad reaction to the V. Criticizes Alcide for just leaving the pack without a word and not calling her. She tells how pack master JD forced to drink the blood. Alcide wants to fight JD but can’t while JD is on V. Too strong. Jackson has ‘special reserve’ of high quality V for Alcide.
Authority HQ: Sam the fly goes to Steve Newlin’s room and snoops around, then returns to the Cells to talk to Luna about a plan he has devised.
Merlotte’s: Lafayette makes cajun margaritas for Arlene and Holly. Andy and his very pregnant fairy girlfriend Morella enter. He sits her at a booth and she drinks a container of salt. Andy talks with Holly and confesses his two sexual incidents with Morella a week before. Just then, Morella’s ‘light breaks’ and she goes into labour.
Authority Private Chambers: Bill and Salome in bed. He calls her his beautiful prophet. They have sex.
Jason’s truck: Sookie says Bill’s not evil. Jason’s Dad says Sookie’s blinded by love. Jason and Sookie discuss their screwed up relationships with others. Eric lands on truck roof and tells them to pull over.
Merlotte’s: Morella on pool table in labour. Holly: “I do not believe I am midwifing for your pregnant girlfriend… that I just found out about!” Gives birth to a girl with no umbilical cord. Holly: “We’re not done!” as Morella continues labour pains.
Authority Cells: Steve Newlin and guards go to cell where Emma is kept. We realize that Steve Newlin is actually Luna. She takes Emma (still a wolf pup) and says she needs a little ‘play time.’ Leaves cells carrying Emma.
Authority Reception area: Receptionist talks with Newlin/Luna and notices he has lost his southern accent. Chancellor Rosalyn Harris arrives and makes Newlin help her on damage control re frat boys Newlin and Edgington killed.
Merlotte’s: Morella gives birth to another girl. The fourth child that night. Morella gets up like nothing happened and walks out leaving the 4 babies with Andy. Holly says to Andy, “You’re a dick!”
Pack HQ: Pack Master JD has a vampyre strung up with chains, cuts him and says, “Drinks on me!” Alcide and his dad, Jackson, come forward. Alcide and JD fight. Jackson and Martha make sure others stay out of the fight. Alcide kills JD. Pack acknowledges Alcide as new pack master. Alcide sets new rules for pack.
Authority Building exterior: Eric and Nora drive truck with Sookie, Jason and Tara tied and gagged in back. Guard calls it in and Bill allows them past the gate.
Authority Video Studio: Steve Newlin/Luna being prepared for broadcast. Chancellor Harris complains about how things are going to hell. She tells Newlin/Luna that he broadcasts live in 5 seconds. Being interviewed live on a news program, Newlin shifts into Luna on national television. Lafayette, watching the broadcast from Merlotte’s: “I did not see that shit coming.” Luna warns viewers the people are being held captive in a building somewhere in New Orleans. Chancellor Harris opens her mouth to say something. Sam the fly goes into her mouth, then shifts into human shape, bursting out of Harris. Luna looks like she’s about to faint.
Authority Board Room: Salome enters Lilith’s shrine. Bill sees her on security camera. Salome promises Lilith that vampyres will rightfully rule the Earth.
Authority Elevator: Jason, Sookie, Eric, Tara and Nora arm up. Eric gives signal to Tara to disable security cameras.
Lilith’s Shrine: Salome removes crystal vial of Lilith’s blood. Asks for guidance as she surrenders herself to Lilith.
Authority Reception: Elevator opens. Receptionist hits alarm button. Jason kills receptionist.
Lilith’s Shrine: Intercom – “Initiating Level Two Protocols!” Salome runs out of Shrine.
Reception Area: Eric & Nora run out of elevator. Jason shoots cameras and guards who enter. Level Two Protocol initiated. Lights go out. Tara and Sookie leave elevator.
Board Room: A dozen security guards enter. Eric and Nora hiding above near ceiling. They kill all the guards. Eric: “See what you’ve been missing… working for the fucking authority?”
Cells: Tara and Sookie find Jessica and Pam and tell them they are waiting for Eric and Nora to disarm and unlock everything.
Control Room: Nora and Eric work on disarming and unlocking everything.
Reception Area: Jason behind reception desk shooting vampyres.
Cells: Gates unlock. Sookie opens door for Jessica (because they’re silver). Tara burns hand opening cell for Pam. Pam & Tara kiss deeply. Jessica: “I KNEW IT!!”
Private Chambers: Bill and Salome discuss Salome drinking all of Lilith’s blood and how it might adversely affect Salome. Salome drinks from the vial.
Reception Area: Sookie, Tara, Pam and Jessica return. Jessica runs to Jason and tells him she loves him. Jason says he could never love a vampyre. Eric and Nora arrive. Everyone goes into elevator except Eric and Sookie who say they are going to find Bill.
Chambers: Salome is vomiting blood, convulsing, having bad reaction. Bill transferred Lilith’s blood to a bottle, added human blood spiked with silver. Salome: “Lilith… chose wisely.” Bill stakes Salome. Takes out bottle of Lilith’s blood. Eric and Sookie enter. Eric tells Bill that Lilith is a mad god and not to drink the blood. Bill reveals himself to be a True Believer in Lilith. He drinks Lilith’s blood. Has immediate bad reaction. He bleeds from the mouth and eyes and explodes. A reborn Bill Compton rises from the pool of dead Bill Compton’s blood. Eric screams, “Run!”
End Credits
But wait… there’s more!
True Blood Season 5 Finale Bonus Scene Interactive
THE END
A whole lot of people were bumped off this season, including trashy Werewolf Debbie [I'm gonna miss her!], Mike the Coroner, a whole bunch of Authority people (Guardian Roman, Chancellors Dieter, Alexander, Kibwe, and the adorable Molly who was the Authority tech girl), Junior the clerk at The Stake House, Lt Patrick Devins and a whole bunch of others – but not including Tara Thornton (who was killed earlier this season and brought back as a vampyre) and Hoyt who was glamoured and left for Alaska.
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