Grey Ribbon Campaign

Attention all my little geeks and nerdlings!

Please be aware of the Grey Ribbon Campaign in support of Zombie Awareness Month.

Our pals at the Zombie Research Society [1] have declared May to be Zombie Awareness Month

Be aware! What you don’t know… can eat you!

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Zombie Awareness Crest from Zombie Research Society.

Please Think of the Children photo from Zombie Preparedness Organization of Canada.

[1] As a ‘noted zombie expert,’ I am a lifetime member of the Zombie Research Society.

Joustin’ Beaver: Let’s Get This Parody Started!

Deep in the mists of time, before I restricted my law practice to criminal defence work, I used to be an entertainment lawyer. As such, I was at one point up on the law of intellectual property, specifically copyright and personality rights.

Given my background, it gave me an extra tickle when I read about upcoming (i.e. threatened) lawsuits between teen heart-throb Justin Bieber [1] and app developer RC3, creators of an app called “Joustin’ Beaver.”

The app depicts a well-coiffed beaver with a purple jacket and a handsome face jousting with paparazzi. It’s clearly designed to mock the pop idol, a fact that RC3 readily admits.

Lawyers for Bieber have threatened to sue the company and the company is reportedly planning a pre-emptive lawsuit of its own against the Biebs, claiming that its app is protected under the U.S. First Amendment because it is a parody. [2]

Naturally, as a result of all this litigation hullabaloo, the app is gaining more attention than it probably ever would have if Bieber’s attorneys didn’t make such a big deal of it in the first place.

As we say down in The South, ‘Yew jus’ cain’t make this $#!t up!”

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[1] I am happy to say that I don’t know anything about Justin Bieber, except for the fact that I see his face plastered everywhere. I imagine he’s some obscenely popular kind of singer.

[2] Although a parody can be considered a derivative work under United States Copyright Law, it can be protected from claims by the copyright owner of the original work under the fair use doctrine, which is codified in 17 U.S.C. § 107. The Supreme Court of the United States stated that parody “is the use of some elements of a prior author’s composition to create a new one that, at least in part, comments on that author’s works”. That commentary function provides some justification for use of the older work. See Campbell v. Acuff-Rose Music, Inc. (Source: Wikipedia)

A Very Hello Kitty Hanukah!

OK, I must confess…

I am a sucker for just about anything Hello Kitty!

But this one really took my breath away when I saw it yesterday.

(Hello Kitty Hanukah Menorah)

Yes, boys and girls, geeks and nerdlings…

A Hello Kitty Hanukah Menorah!

Just when you thought you’d seen everything there is to see… they come out with this!

I love it. I have to have one! Or rather, a half-dozen because there is no way that I can have one without bestowing such gifts to my friends and loved ones!

Here’s another one…

(Another Hello Kitty Hanukah Menorah)

These are simply way too cute for words. And they really bring an element of fun to the holiday.

Tonight (Friday night, December 23, 2011) is the fourth day of Hanukah. For those lighting a menorah, we use 4 candles in addition to the shamash (the ‘lighter’ that is offset from the others). Remember… you have to light the menorah and say the blessings BEFORE lighting the Shabbes candles!

Have a blessed spirit-filled Hanukah, glowing with light and meaning!

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Vampyre Fangs is shutting down for the holidays!

We’ll be back in the first week of January.

Have a wonderful holiday season.

Happy Hanukah, Merry Xmas and a very Happy New Year!!

Sincerely, Vampyre Fangs

Season’s Eatings: A Very Zombie Xmas!

Well, boys and girls, geeks and nerdlings… It’s that time of year again.

Time to huddle ’round with our friends and loved ones. Time to sip the egg nog, roast chestnuts on an open fire and imprint as many of these festive holiday memories onto the old lobes and cortices before the stuff really hits the fan and we are all slogging knee-deep through The Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse.

During WWZ [1], eggnog may be in short supply, admittedly, but that’s no reason to be glum. Silver linings abound, folks. For example, pine trees will be popping up just about everywhere, I assure you. And imagine the warm and fuzzy feeling you’ll get knowing that just about every present you’ll be receiving will be hand-made!

And, after the initial months of ruckus and hullabaloo, it’s a pretty safe bet that every night will be a Silent Night.

Speaking of night-time, without all that annoying urban electrical glare and ‘light pollution’ muddying things up, just think of how bright and clear the heavenly host of celestial bodies will appear to our wondering post-apocalyptic eyes!

Hectic last minute Xmas shopping will be a thing of the past, quite literally. If you find a secure mall or store, you can browse and select items at your leisure. No fuss, no jostling through mobs of customers, no stress. Well, no additional stress, anyway.

So, as you’re nestled all snug in your bed while visions of sugar plums dance in your head, don’t give a second thought to Zombie-Yule. Everything’s going to be all right!

Scary Xmas to All… and to All a Good Fright!

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[1] WWZ = World War Z (aka The Zombie War, aka The Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse)

The Walking Dead… Halfway through Season Two

The other night, I watched the last episode of the first half of Season Two of The Walking Dead, including its dramatic and powerful final scene.

HALF-TIME SCORE…

You’re welcome!

The series will go on hiatus, and then return on February 12, 2012, when the final six episodes of Season Two will begin airing.

I SO can’t wait!!

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Zombies Are Just One Big Cootie: A child’s view of the living dead

At St. Mary of the Assumption Elementary School, Mrs. Graves’s kindergarten class was fairly unanimous in their disapproval.

“Zombies are just one big cootie,” says Stephanie, her freckled nose crinkling.

“Zombies are slow and ugly and not so smart,” observes Michael.

“They make me want to throw up,” confesses Kelly-Anne, shaking her young head sadly.

(Zombie princesses)

Things weren’t much different at Mrs. Matseyve’s first grade class at the Upper West Hebrew Academy.

“Everybody hates zombies. They’re gross!” states Tamar emphatically.

“Maybe if they looked nicer and didn’t try to eat you, people wouldn’t run away from them so much,” suggests Dvorah-Leah.

“They make creepy moany noises,” observes Rivki, her face in a frown. “Nobody likes that, especially at night.”

The second grade children at P.S. 6 did not diverge from what was fast becoming almost a mantra among the youngest amongst us.

“I wish they would just go away. I’m bored of all the zombie stuff!” exclaims Madison.

“Zombies are icky. Vampyres are much better,” admits Claire.

How is it that such a profound prejudice is ingrained in our children at such a young age?

(Zombie boy)

We asked clinical psychologist and misozombia [1] expert Aaron David Shtarben, Psy.D, at Bellevue Hospital Centre in Manhattan.

“What we’re seeing more and more in young children,” Dr. Shtarben says, “is something much greater than a normal and healthy wariness of the living dead. We’re observing behaviour and speech consistent with an almost pathological fear and an intense hatred far out of proportion to the danger actually posed to children.”

Dr. Shtarben indicates that such deep-seated ‘fear and loathing’ of zombies among children is spreading rapidly through our culture and shows little sign of abating.

How can we stop this? Some experts have proposed a possible solution.

“Parents should be particularly careful in projecting a fair and balanced image to their children,” advises child psychiatrist Dr. Isaac Nifter of the Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto. “Especially when children are at a young and impressionable age, it is incumbent upon the parents to ensure that negative stereotypes aren’t imprinted on their children’s minds. And this goes double when talking about the Life-Challenged.”

As the old song goes, you’ve got to be taught to hate and fear.

(Is this the face of our dystopian future?)

Back at the Upper West Hebrew Academy, I spoke with a Junior Kindergarten student, 4-year-old Rachel. “They’re schtunky!” she giggles, her little fingers covering her wide smile, her twinkling blue eyes barely concealing the venom and vitriol bubbling within her, just under the surface.

To see such unbridled abhorence in one so young chilled this writer to the bone.

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[1] Misozombia: An intense dislike, hatred, disgust or aversion  regarding zombies. This is not to be confused with Zombiphobia: An abnormal or pathological fear of zombies. For more zombie-related words and expressions, see The Zombie Lexicon: A Living Dead Language Guide.

Bad Vampyre Relationship Stories!

Sick of everyone using Facebook and Twitter as a forum for bragging about their amaazing boyfriend – fiance – husband – S.O? Does all this relationship bliss make you want to gag?

Look no further… this is for you! We got our readers to take to social media and share the #RelationshipFail they’ll never forget.

“Asked how old he was – i.e. when was he ‘made.’ He said ‘Thursday!’ EJECT!”  –@CryptLvr

“Met Travolta/SNF type at H’ween party. Turns out he was made in ’77. That’s how he looks all the time now. FAIL!” –@Drucilla

“I said ‘I love you’ first and he goes, ‘I know’. WTF is that?” –@gothgrrl92

“Took him out his first time for sushi. Waitress brings chopsticks. He screams & runs away. Check, please!” –@atsuko666

“Applying make-up in front of mirror. Comes up behind me & touches shoulder. Lipstick across cheek to my ear! SO not funny!” –@HunterGreen

“I had Caesar salad before our 1st kiss – and he throws up in my car!!” –@Jasime

“Walked me to my door. Daddy saw red eyes glowing in dark. Thought bf was coyote & shot him. Awkward!” –@PatsyKake

“Found out new bf slept in coffin… with his mom. Wrong on so many levels!” –@VampB8

“Cute young guy takes me for midnight stroll… and bites my pet dog! Eeww!” –@CougrLdy

“Two words: Orthodontic retainer. Yeuch!” –KylaMarie

Read more:

Bad Relationship Stories: Dealing with a Bad Vampyre Boyfriend – Fangbanger magazine;

When He Becomes a Pain in the Neck: Dumping the Undead – You’re So Vein blog;

Cheating Vampyre BFs: The Cross We Bear – Coffin Counselors blog;

Blood vs. Brains : Vampyre or Zombie – Which is Right for You! – Cosmopolitan.

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I will be out of town from Wed. Nov. 16 until Mon. Nov. 21. See you when I return!

10 Reasons People Are Afraid to Date Vampyres

Vampyres!

They’re absolutely everywhere. On TV, in the movies, on the bookshelves and magazine stands, on the computer… at the neighbourhood bar.

The undead have been a part of western culture for well over 1000 years but it seems only in the last 25 – 50 years or so that society has progressed from a fear of vampyres to an interest in vampyres to a desire to become romantically involved with vampyres.

(Do you go for the ‘bad boy’ type?)

The internet has become a resource for many folks to use both in learning about vampyres as well as searching for dates and long-term companionship with vampyres. Not everyone is willing to try it, though.

There are 10 reasons that people fear dating vampyres. Some of them are legitimate, as we shall see, and some are less so. In the end, it’s a matter of deciding whether the fear or the desire to meet someone is stronger.

(How about the ‘girl next door’ type?)

Here are 10 reasons people fear vampyre dating.

1. Rejection/Death. As with any sort of dating, fear of dying is the most commonly held reason that people are afraid of dating the undead. While many harbour fantasies of being turned and becoming a vampyre, not many of us relish the prospect of being a midnight snack and having our lifeless bodies tossed aside like a fast food package. Putting one’s self out there as available for dating a creature of the night always raises a risk of being rejected (and killed), and few of us find that to be a pleasant experience.
2. Awkward Dates. This goes hand-in-hand with the fear of rejection. It’s the same in vampyre relationships as it is in any other dating realm. Yes, there may be some awkward dates, just as there may be some chance of ending up on a missing persons list, but it’s a risk one must take if eating popcorn alone in front of the television isn’t your plan for the future.
3. Misrepresentation. Are the vampyres that I meet who they say they are? With any interaction with vampyres, there is always a chance that the person with whom you are communicating is not the person he or she appears to be. Anyone can say they are Count So-and-So, Baron Whoozit or Lady Whatever. Anyone can say they are 500 years old. Fear of falling for a persona rather than a person is high on the list of vampire dating fears.
4. Social Ostracism. This is another way of saying, “What if my friends find out I’m so desperate that I’m dating a vampyre?” The fear of being made fun of, or considered a ‘fang banger’, is a strong reason that some folks fear dating the undead.
5. Wasted Time. The fear of having wasted a lot of time creating profiles and browsing online vampyre date sites, frequenting goth clubs and endless hours hanging around graveyards is what stops some folks from pursuing the possibilities of finding a vampyre partner.
6. Wasted Money. This is a fear held by many but it is not necessarily a real issue. True, trips to New Orleans don’t come cheap. There are some expensive avenues one can pursue, to be sure, but they aren’t always, or even usually, the best of what is available. Some of the free and low-cost choices (dockyards at night, midnight strolls down big city alleyways, etc.) are equally good as potential meeting places and often offer similar resources to the more expensive sites.
7. Identity Theft. Not unique to vampyre dating, the fear of identity theft is what keeps a number of people from dating the pulse-challenged. It is a real risk but, as with any other risk, it can be managed and minimized by taking care not to share information that can lead vampyres to drain you dry, stuff your remains in a shallow grave, raid your bank or other financial instruments, move across the country and assume your identity.
8. Physical Safety. Another of the fears that is not really unique to vampyre dating - risks concerning physical safety - can be managed. Yes, there are vampyres that might use dating as a ruse to find victims but the same can be said for anyone you meet in bars, coffee shops, churches, funerals and introductions from acquaintances. The key is to keep early meetings in public locations, keeping access to your own transportation, and making sure that a trusted friend or relative knows where you are meeting. Keep holy water, garlic, crucifixes and wooden stakes secreted about your person until you know someone well enough to feel secure.
9. Distance Issues. “What if I meet someone, make a connection and decide to pursue a relationship, only to find that he lives in Romania or wherever and we live too far apart for a practical relationship?” Yes, it happens, but it can happen with that person that you meet at your favorite beachfront bistro, as well.
10. No Good Ones Out There.  I’ve saved this one for last as it truly is a myth. Some people are afraid that only losers, criminals and other really desperate types are looking for companionship… that a ‘real’ eligible vampyre doesn’t have to look for potential dates because they are all lined up at the castle door, waiting to come inside. Also, considering all the homo-erotica in vampyre fiction, the old canard, ‘They’re all gay’ is understandable but just as overblown in the vampyre dating world as anywhere else. The truth is that you will find the same sort of people looking for dates in the world of the undead as you will find anywhere else. Some good, some not so good, some that are awful, and some that are just like you… only dead.

So buck up, people. Lift your chin, put on an attractive smile and get in the game!

There is nothing to fear but fear itself.

And getting your throat ripped out.

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Why I Hate Almost Everyone (Part I): They’re Dumbasses

I hate almost everyone. Seriously. I really do.

Almost everyone I know is, to one degree or another, annoying, irritating, mind-numbingly boring or… the subject of today’s rant… dumb as a bag of hammers.

(You say ‘cute’. I say ‘dumbass’)

Take this one man I know at my local synagogue. He is distractingly stupid. And I don’t mean just stunned and clued-out in your average old guy kinda way. I mean virtually everything he says is either wrong or complete and utter nonsense. How he makes it from wherever the heck he lives to shul and back day to day is a total mystery to me. How he can survive without wandering out into traffic or driving off a cliff or accidentally eating toxic sludge thinking it was Jell-O has me flummoxed. I can think of no better argument against natural selection than this guy. And he’s not OLD old, like some poor nonagenarian who thinks he’s still in WW2. He’s just pain-in-the-ass old. The kind of ‘I know everything because somehow I haven’t died yet’ old that drives you nuts.

And it’s not just stupid old people I hate. Stupid young people I hate even more!

(Our jails are not filled with geniuses)

I work with stupid young people (i.e. teenagers) on a daily basis. I spend a good chunk of my day going from “WTF?” to “You just cain’t make this shit up!” to “Seriously… This person cannot be this stupid!” to “I can’t see our world surviving this new generation” to “The Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse cannot happen too soon!” Young stupidity is the kind that causes that vein in my forehead to throb, the kind that makes me throw up my hands (and my lunch) and just want to walk away in despair and disgust. Their brainlessness is a tangible entity… a life-sapping energy-draining force you can almost feel. You look into their vacant faces and their eyes show no evidence of intelligence. You know those emails you get about stupid criminals and the Darwin Awards?. THOSE are the guys I’m talking about. These are the kinds of guys who bungee jump off a 50 foot railway overpass… with 50 feet of bungee cord. The kind who steals a huge tray of shrimp and runs out of the store only to be caught 20 yards away. How fast do you think you can run carrying an enormous platter of shrimp, Einstein? Or the kind who go to a bank to open an account, then while the teller is processing their info, rob the bank and run out… leaving the drivers licence with the teller. That takes a special kind of stupid.

(A real public service announcement)

I’ve often wondered what would happen if I placed “stupid young offender guy” in the same room with “stupid old shul guy” and just watched. Would they cancel each other out? Would they, like two negative forces, repel one another? Or, heaven forbid, would the two imbeciles meld together into one big super-dense black hole of stupidity, consuming everything around them?

(You say bagel. I say ‘baggle’)

Then there are hick trailer girls who are both stupid and stubborn. Now there’s a dangerous pair of qualities to mix in the same person… arrogance and ignorance. This is the kind of cretin who refuses to admit she is wrong and insists that what she is doing or thinking or believing is somehow equally valid or true because ‘that’s just the way she does it.’ The ones who pronounce bagel ‘baggle’ despite the fact that everyone… and I mean EVERYONE… tells them they are saying it wrong. “That’s how we say it where I come from!” is the stock reply. Well, honey, then you come from the village of Wrongburgh which is a suburb of the City of Incorrectady, in the Regional Municipality of Dumbass. You can’t pronounce lasagna ‘La-ZAG-na’ or gnocchi ‘Guh-NOTCH-ee’ and then try to pull the ‘that’s how we pronounce it out in Possum Butt Falls’ schtick! ‘Stickin’ by yer guns’ is not an admirable quality in this situation. Learn to speak the damn language, you hillbilly!

I’m not an unpleasant person, I’m really not. I’m not ill-tempered. I try to be nice and friendly and patient and understanding and polite and all the things that help me make it through the day without sticking a letter opener in someone’s neck.

(I think I’m turning into Red Foreman)

It’s just that stupid people make it difficult for me to hang on to the tattered shreds of my composure. I can’t seem to shrug it off. Irritation and annoyance turn to effen hatred.

Like the guy who is in his car getting angier and angier that the vehicle ahead of him isn’t moving… and he leans on the horn, screaming. You know… the guy you pull up beside and say, “Excuse me, but… that car’s parked!” Thank goodness Canada has strict handgun laws. Road rage alone would produce more carnage than anything else.

I can deal with plain old ignorance. An ignorant person just doesn’t know. Information and education cures ignorance. That can be taken care of, no problem. That can be fixed.

Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I hate almost everyone.

You can’t fix stupid.

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Sigoths on the HiHos: An Unholy Ordeal

Soon it will start to cool down. The humidity will drift down to less insane levels. The temperature will drop like the soon-to-be falling leaves. Before long summer will be over. Just a couple of weeks and it will be September. Autumn is just around the corner! I can almost feel it.

This is the time of year that I love. This is the time of year that I dread.

Along with being my favourite season, fall brings with it that most awkward of times… the Jewish High Holidays, or as I call them, the HiHos.

Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE the High Holidays, I honestly do! Rosh HaShana, apples and honey, seeing friends and relatives, going to shul. Yes, you heard me correctly… going to synagogue on the high holidays is my idea of a good time! Watching a sea of beards, long prayer shawls, black hats and fur shtriemls [1], hearing the shofar [2]… I love it!

Having lunch and dinner in those little booths during Sukkos, the whole dancing around with the Torah scroll thing! I can’t get enough. While Passover is my hands-down all-time favourite holiday bar none… the HiHos come a close second. Sitting at a table with family and loved ones, checking out the young children growing taller and taller, who’s engaged, who’s having a baby, chowing down on all those wonderful things my loved ones make. Who wouldn’t like that?

So what’s with the whole ‘dread’ schtick, you ask?

Well, because… the HiHos is when the old friends and fam find out about… or worse, MEET… the Sigoth (aka S.O., aka Significant Other).

I can’t bear it. Especially when you consider the kind of Sigoths to whom I tend to gravitate.

Let me give you a snippet from about six years ago between me and my grandmother…

Bubbie: Sweetie? Your friend doesn’t talk much.

Me: No, Bubbie. Zombies don’t talk at all. They just moan and stuff.

Bubbie: Oh… And I thought those were ‘yummy sounds’ all during dinner!

A real Kodak moment, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Or this one from three years ago between me and Aunt Raizel…

A.R.: That friend you brought. Kind of pale, don’t you think?

Me: Vampyres are all pale, Auntie Rozzie.

A.R.: A vampyre? Oy! Well, at least they don’t have to worry about crucifixes in this house!

Me: Thank goodness.

A.R.: Sheila? SHEILA! I hope you went easy on the garlic this year!!

Oy, indeed.

It’s bad enough when I get it from the older generation. They’re set in their ways and aren’t so open to new ideas. It’s expected. It’s understandable.

But getting flack from people my age or a bit younger? That can really irk me.

Last year. First night of Sukkos. Me and my younger cousin, Rivka-Leah during dinner…

R-L: Interesting date.

Me: It’s not a date.

R-L: Do you find them on the internet?

Me: No.

R-L: The Kennel Club?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

R-L: Listen, do you need to take your friend ‘for a walk’ later?

Me: Rivky… please…

R-L: I’m curious… do you like bring a pooper-scooper or something?

Me: (motioning to a cousin) Excuse me, Fievi? Can we have some more Joyvin down here, please?

R-L: Seriously, though. I am sure they are very nice and all. But have you given any thought to how many Jewish holidays fall on or around a full moon?

Me: You mean like tonight?

R-L: Oy!!! There are kids around! Are they safe? Should I go to the Italian family next door and borrow some holy water?

Me: (getting up, motioning to another cousin) Rachel? Rachel, sweetie… we’re changing seats, ok?

R-L: What? What did I say??

It’s enough to make me break out in hives.

Luckily, I don’t inflict the Sigoths onto the shul or vice versa. I learned that lesson the hard way one Simchas Torah…

Me: Just sit still over there and maybe no one will notice you.

SO: Grzt Prk*s ncb#]s!

Me: Well… you’re just as weird-looking to them, trust me.

SO: z”xc@skj lkkkk!!

Me: They’re not wearing Krllzyfnt Cave Rats on their heads. Now shut up! (throwing prayer shawl over its head)

SO: qPmm???

Me: Yeah, you blend! Try not to have any yeshiva boys knock you over and stomp on you, ok?

I like drama and intrigue as much – OK, maybe a little more – than the next person but I swear… my next Sigoth’s gonna be normal!!

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[1] A shtreimel  (Yiddish: שטרײַמל, pl. שטרײַמלעך shtreimlech) is a fur hat worn by many married haredi Jewish men, particularly (although not exclusively) members of Hasidic groups, on Shabbat and Jewish holidays and other festive occasions.

[2] A shofar (Hebrew: שופר‎) is a horn, traditionally that of a ram, used for Jewish religious purposes. Shofar-blowing is incorporated in synagogue services on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.